Thanks everyone for the advice. And Thank you so much for the link Bill3. That's great! I now have a place to start.

I really wish I was one of those 'stepford wife' kind of mums that has everything organised and has a great bond with her kids. one of those ones who enjoys spending time making designer cupcakes with them for their school lunches... This is more debilitating than my irrational fear of spiders.

I do not enjoy this. Its almost like walking up and asking a stranger if they prefer ultra thin or ribbed condoms or if they prefer pads or tampons. its awkward and uncomfortable for us both.

the main reason that I need to get this sorted out now is that she's heading into her teen years and she is going to need me to be there for her. and I need to step up and be the mum she deserves. she can, and does, talk to me about her friends and what's going on in her life, but when it comes to boyfriends and b**chy teenage girls, she's going to need a mum who can hug her and listen to her cry. I need to be that mum.

I am just hoping to be that mum without feeling like I need to scrub the top layer of my skin off. If I cant solve my issues, I WILL still be there for her, feeling sick and creeped out, but I will be there.



I just wanted to say to Rose76 that I don't feel powerful doing this. I feel powerless. You were right when you said I have no control over the feelings that come up inside of me when she comes near. I don't.

However, when you wrote "You've made a decision to withhold appropriate treatment of your eldest child. Decisions can be changed. At some level you are punishing her for something. Maybe someone was mean to you as a child. Perhaps this is making you feel powerful. Withholding from someone is very much a power play. At some level, you may have sociopathic tendencies. It seems you base how you interact with your children on your own emotional gratification. You do what gratifies you with the second. You don't bother with the first if there is not emotional pay off for you. Part of maturity is responding to children based on their needs, rather than your own.

What you're engaging in is a subtle form of mental torture. Why anyone would find satisfaction in doing that is not something that I or any professional counselor could explain. But it is a fact of human nature that many human beings take perverse satisfaction in inflicting emotional pain. It's one of the mysteries of life why that is."

None of that is true. I certainly do not enjoy seeing her like this or having her withhold hugs from me because she sees how uncomfortable it makes me.

I am not punishing her for my own pleasure. I actually try not to be like I am, this is not something I want to continue doing. It makes me sick that I feel this way. Everyone else in the world gets to love and enjoy their kids, except me! Most mothers get to feel joy and happiness and pride when they hold their kids, I don't. I get to feel sick and awkward and uncomfortable.

I certainly do not do this as a form of mental torture. I do not find "perverse satisfaction" in feeling like this or treating her differently. I have no idea why you would think that I do. If I did enjoy it then why on earth would I be asking for help?