Today was my anniversary of sorts, 23 months to the day since going off all benzos and other psych meds. I am truly surprised that I have survived. I would not say that I am better off in lots of ways. Guess that's my glass is half empty philosophy.

I am clearer headed, though I don't like what I see and hear a lot! I was on them off and on for 36 years if I am to be completely honest. The last 23 years was more intense due to being on klonopin, that stuff is a special kind of poison, in my humble opinion

Lots of things seem like I am experiencing them for the first time. Movies that I have seen many times seem brand new. My brain is really strange to me now. Certainly is not normal, which brings to mind all I have read seems to promise that it will return to some sense of normalcy. If so, it is a long time coming.

I have decided finally that whether it benefits me or not, I plan to see a neurologist. At least maybe he would do some brain scans for my many symptoms. Such as constant ringing in the ears, daily head aches with tingling and burning, dizziness and feeling unbalanced. Too many to list!

Physically my body has gone from being out of shape to a train wreck. I think due to severe anxiety keeping me from being active. I now have heart issues I think, but many in prolonged withdrawals say the same thing about their health.

I posted a quote from another fellow sufferer on a benzo withdrawal support site that basically stated that she was 4 years out from stopping benzos and still felt very ill and like things were not getting better but worse. She is clinging to the glimmer of hope that it will improve. Praying and hoping! I would say I am there also.

It is rather scary and discouraging to go to that support site, so many there seem even worse off than I! Perish the thought! It is truly incredible. I do wish for death quite a bit, even though that is truly not what I want. However I do not want to keep living like this either!

I suppose I should be happy that the 23 months are behind me and count them as a big success. I should be, but it just does not feel like I have succeeded at anything, merely survived. Cue the dramatic music...