No one's posting to "have a go" at you. A lot of us are posting because we had parents who acted like you do. (I say acted and not thought because none of us are mind-readers!). As the children of parents with similar behaviour to yours, we understand more completely than you do about the potential harm you're doing, and yes, that's terrifying for those who've lived through it because no one deserves it.

The main difference is that you recognize it and want to change. That is great, and you can start to repair the damage that you've already done.

Her hesitation towards joining the game you started isn't because she thought it was weird, but because she likely doesn't trust you. It's the opposite of what she's grown up to expect, and it's easy to wonder about what the "catch" is.

To help repair this, it will take a loooooottt of extra time, effort, patience, and love from your end. Which is hard for you, but basically, you'll have to put in way more effort into your eldest daughter than you would ever have to do for your youngest. Then double it, because you have to learn to overcome your own instincts, and you have to go beyond it to help her overcome her learned instincts.

You could always try looking up postpartum depression forums, or even groups in your area. Yes, it seems like it's years late - but it really isn't as it's still affecting you and your child! You just didn't recognize it (nor did anyone else) until recently.

No one has called you horrible. It is rather rare to have someone come onto the forums and admits that they're the person causing damage to another - usually it's the people who've been hurt who come seeking help. It's a bit strange (to many of us I'm sure, although not ACTUALLY strange? did that make sense?!) to hear some of the perspective that is the opposite to our own experiences.