i understand that maybe therapy would help, my mother (who goes to one herself) suggested that i take her appointment, and that if i don't like who i go to, i don't have to go another time. i'm considering on going to get my emotions and thoughts all out of my system.

but thank you for all those who posted, i appreciate it very much.

lately i've been better with decisions, it's a new feeling.. i've always had to go to someone to get a second opinion or to ensure that i'm not doing the wrong thing. with Chris, it was like i constantly needed someone to boost my self-esteem, someone who could be there for me when i fell, someone who would catch me. he told me that he wasn't taking a break because he didn't want to be with me, he told me he wanted me to find myself, that he didn't want to be "selfish" and stay with me while i became deeper and deeper into this dependency problem.

i think during the days after he decided we needed to be apart, i don't think i considered his words true enough; i think i grasped the feeling that i was alone and that i didn't have someone there to help catch me anymore rather than listen to the, "i'll always be here" and "i still love you, i still want to be with you - i don't need a break, you need a break to figure out who you are."

i don't think i've completely healed or anything, i just think i'm improving. i remember i used to wish i could "prove" to everyone i'm getting better.. but i realized now that i need to prove to myself first, i need to love myself first, and i need to figure out who i am first before anything.

it's just getting to that point where i get scared and want someone to hold my hand. alot of my problems were probably based on my childhood, with my father and mother.

but how am i going to learn how to be by myself, how to make my own decisions? i went to therapy once, for a little while, after my parents divorced, and i swore i would never go again. i was younger then, and stubborn, and didn't think i had a problem (with my parents divorcing), but now that i think of it, i just never really opened up. being 12 sitting in a room with a stranger.. yeah, it didn't work out too well.

i just need some suggestions as to what i can do by myself, ideas or anything. i'm an artist, and already i've been improving in that, putting my emotions on paper; but are there any other ideas? thanks for all of those who've read and/or posted.

"If we deny love that is given to us,
if we refuse to give love because we fear the pain of loss,
then our lives will be empty, our loss greater."