Well, Your post is pretty tough to follow I'm going to go out on a limb and assume your currently under the influence of too much Xanax or alcohol or both and of course mixing it all together is a recipe for disaster.

I do know its virtually impossible to find stability while drinking.

Only advice I can offer... is see your Doctors and be honest about your over use of benzios at times, your intake of alcohol and the amount of panic attacks you are having.

Welcome to PC