ok time for me to continue. ****TRIGGER WARNING*****

i slept very little. i would have class at 7am until sometimes 9pm mon-fri. then i went out. i would drink or get stoned until 3-4am before i headed back to my room and slept maybe an hr. i even went my first spring break in hawaii awake and working on lab reports and papers. i didnt sleep the entire break. i had also got turned onto cocaine but did it rarely and didnt have a problem. i also accidentally took X. i had a real bad headache and my friend gave me some aspirin but it wasnt aspirin. knowing what it does i kinda freaked out but then just let it go and enjoyed the ride. i also had my first and last experience with shrooms. half the time was a blast but i was completely non functional, and the other half i was in excruciating pain. i completely depleted all my finances and lived paycheck to paycheck to pay for the pot and alcohol.

im an active person even when stoned (i rearranged rooms and did hw and hiked stoned), i gotta say the injuries i had in 2 yrs was weird. i punctured a lung, fractured and dislocated my foot (surfing), and fractured and dislocated my jaw (basketball took an elbow).

so i came back mainland cuz my twin had separation anxiety and the longer i was a way the worse her health got. her heart meds had allowed her heart efficiency to go from 25% to 32%. taking my finals for the last time in hawaii was dreadful. i was extremely ill. i have no idea how high my fever was but i could feel the heat from my head and i was so cold. i took my final like this. needless to say i didnt do so well. im actually suprised i i found the room since hallucinations had started. my flight home was a few hrs after my finals so i got a ride from a friend after the tests. i felt my fever break on the way to the airport and i felt so much better.

it didnt last. the first ascent we reached altitude my fever was back. i was miserable. i didnt know what was going on so i wrote my mothers phone number on my arm just in case something happened. landed in phoenix and it was freezing, all i had was a hoodie. my head felt like it was under water. i had one more lay over in denver and then landed in the midwest. when i landed i realized i couldnt hear a damn thing. i was completely deaf. and was like that for 3 days. it was great in a way cuz then i couldnt hear anything bad going on at home.i have very sensitive hearing to this day and i always heard everything which is a reason sleep is difficult.

sorry now more bad stuff and a little bit rewind. so i slept poorly as a child as far as i can remember. i know i was up very late as a child but was always up by 5am. when both my parents were home i could hear him hit her and yell. but then there was more. i heard him rape her every night. telling her it was her wifely duty whether she wanted to or not. he would threaten her saying he would throw her out on the streets or throw us kids out into prostitution. he even threatened to kill her or us.

i left again not long after i got back to mainland. i got a girlfriend and we moved in together. it was a very toxic relationship. i am a trained fighter (my uncle taught me), but i feared being my father so much that when she started to abuse me i wouldnt fight back. i became very withdrawn and cut very badly. again i found my way back into pot and never had enough money for bills. i always bought drugs first. at my first place with this person she wound up allowing a friend of hers to stay with us and help pay. this person never paid. she claimed another friend raped her and she called her thug BF and he came with a gun and stuck it in all our faces.

i stared the barrel down (the safety was on or so i think it was on). cops came he left "rapest" arrested. when this friend was at work the next day we packed up our stuff and left. next place same stuff. abuse and cutting. ppl were over once and she said some messed up stuff to me and i took the knife and cut so bad i had to stand in the tub and raise my arm and add pressure to stop it. i shouldve gone to er but didnt. it freaked everyone out and they all said i was crazy. last straw she trapped me in a bathroom with her and the hair dryer was on (im claustrophobic). i tried to leave she wouldnt let me. she shoved me and i tripped over the toilet and almost hit my head on the tub. i saw red and swung. i escaped.

not long after this my sister died in my arms. she had a DNR signed but i did CPR anyways.my mom was there and she was hysterical. EMTs came and shocked her and got blood all over the floor. that night i went out and started drinking. i drank all my money away every time i had any. i stopped smoking cuz i started to get very paranoid and started to hallucinate. i didnt go to class for a week. my teachers just passed me in everything. later that yr before i left for the last time with my now wife, my lap top crashed. my father was a computer tech so i took it to him. hed been drinking and after a while he stuck his hand in pants and said if he couldnt get it from my mother hed get it from me. i got away, told my mom and she just smirked and shook her head.

the following yr i got a frantic call from my older sister, she couldnt get a hold of our mom(theyve always been close). found out my father was arrested. he was caught in a child porn ring by the state. he was granted bond, i told my mom him or me. she answered by bailing him out. he wound up getting 4yrs. he was out in 3 months due to overpopulation.

recently i reconnected with one of my fav teachers and he told me he knew i was so messed up every day. he knew i was drinking on breaks and going back to class. he said he pulled me aside a bunch of times but i remember none of this. i drove drunk everyday and was very lucky i didnt kill or hurt anyone.

well i think thats everything. this was probably good for me but now i have nightmares that are very hard to remember but i wake upset 3-4x a night. i know everyone says telling our stories makes us take away the power it has over us. i feel all it does is make me feel sick and gives me migraines all day every day.