Hi. This might be a bit long, so it's understandable if you don't want to read it. Sorry for wasting your time if you do.

I'm in high school. My problems and attitude might seem angsty and juvenile. They probably are. I'll list them out so I can organize my thoughts.

1. I can't talk to anyone.
I'm not new to depression. I've confided in people in the past, and they freaked out and a bunch of inconvenient things happened. Now, people are under the impression that I've "recovered." And I let them think that, mostly because I don't want to deal with those inconvenient things again. So the main problem is that my parents can't know about this. This means that I can't talk to anyone in the "business," so to speak, because they'd have to inform them. That's why I'm here.

2. Self-loathing.
I hate myself. I've been criticized before, by peers, parents, whatever. It's nothing new. I've probably said it to myself hundreds of times before. Your problems are trivial compared to others' struggles. Get over it. You're lazy and irresponsible. You're a disappointment. This is a major barrier to actually talking about my problems. They seem so stupid. Even know as I type this I'm afraid that the reaction will be no different than in real life.

3. School and motivation.
School is hard. It used to be not so bad, but when I get home, I sleep or stare at the computer. I certainly don't put in any effort. It's like an endless spiral of not doing my work leading to consequences leading to bad emotions leading to lack of motivation to do my work.

4. Suicide.
Yeah, I've tried it. And honestly? The only thing that stops me from trying again are my friends and family. They'd be pretty sad if I died (probably). They're the reason I live and God, do I hate them for it.

I sound so melodramatic, and I hate it so much.

Why am I posting this?
Maybe it's more for me to organize my thoughts. Maybe it's because I crave some emotional support that I can't ask for from others. Maybe it's because I want some advice on how to get my life back together. I'm not entirely sure myself.