I suspected that he wasn't getting hard enough. He's had some performance anxiety and it's caused issues for him getting an erection, maintaining it, and ejaculating WAY too soon. Although, that makes sense because it seems a lot of the time he (or I) have to practically get him off with one of our hands in order to just get him hard enough to put a condom on/attempt penetration. I don't know if that's normal? Sometimes he seems to get hard on his own (whether it's really that hard, I'm not sure). Of course, condoms often make him go soft again…not so much anymore, but still.

I know it's psychological because he's just in his early 30s and is healthy. I try really hard to reassure him and make sure I don't think any less of him (he's been with at least one girl in the past who treated him like dirt over it), but still, something always seems to happen. Recently, we were having sex and I was almost actually enjoying it/ actually into it and he was really into it because it's much easier for him to enjoy it, but somehow in the middle, he just went soft. He's very clearly attracted to me and in that moment there's no way he would have been capable of any thought, let alone something that would make him anxious, so I don't know what would explain that.

And those are just his issues.

As for me, I've only been able to get off in one position: on my stomach. Every other position feels very wrong, whether it's him touching me or me touching myself. I've tried to show him and have him do the same thing, but it still doesn't feel quite right and it's really awkward. And to get him to do it in that position I'd have to stop the momentum of the moment, change positions, and ask specifically for that. Otherwise, he just touches me the way a normal woman should want to be touched. I can't even masturbate with him in the same room without it not feeling right, as I'm used to doing it fully clothed and within the context of sex with another person, I'm naked or nearly so.

Not only that, but I've had a lot of pain and burning sensations from foreplay. To the point that he's almost become afraid to touch me and I've become afraid to have him touch me in certain ways. Like oral sex. Not like he knows how to do it at all anyway. And I know I've suggested the whole fingering with oral sex (while I was still brave enough to even want him to attempt oral sex) and I think (if I remember right) his issue was that he wasn't sure how to physically do that. He has no fine motor skills so maybe doing two things at once would be too difficult? And since I have almost no experience, I don't know how to give him detailed instructions on how to do these things. Nor do I know what to tell him that will work, since nothing has with anyone.

The funny (sad) thing is that before I even had any sexual experience I already knew sex by myself would give me more physical pleasure than sex with a guy. And it's true. I can only orgasm by myself and I really can only feel pleasure usually by myself as well. I do experience pleasure because he enjoys it so much, but I'm honestly jealous that he's able to experience any release and satisfaction from it.

Basically, intercourse is really the only thing I have much hope of ever really being comfortable with and almost feeling good on a consistent basis. So that's almost all we do. I mean, what's the point of foreplay anyway? I can't orgasm and I get wet without much of it anyway. And making me relax? If anything, foreplay will make me tense up, not relax.

The only reason I'm "content" with all of this is because I realize sex with anyone else would be as bad and probably exponentially worse because I at least love him.

I just want to learn how to like it enough so I don't feel disappointed and unsatisfied all the time. And so I don't obsess about it all the time.

And I masturbate to porn, erotic literature, and my own fantasies, but those have become limited after all of this. I mean, it triggers the hell out of me to watch porn with any women in it because I can't stand them even pretending to feel any pleasure. And I always wonder how it's possible that the men can stay hard that long and consistently. And even when I get off, I feel really badly about that because it should be with him and not on my own. I mean, I had a better sex life over all when I was single. But emotionally and in every other aspect, the relationship is pretty much as good or better than I ever thought possible, so I can't just throw away because of one thing that technically should be fixable right? I mean, surely it's fixable…if there's a god, there's no way they could hate us THIS much to just to destroy an otherwise nearly perfect relationship just because neither of us has any idea how to have sex at all. Right? I mean, when too people connect on every other level, shouldn't sex potentially be amazing? That's why I'm so confused. Maybe this IS the best it can ever be.

And I don't ever think I was technically abused, although people always ask me if I have been. I mean, I can't explain why I knew I wouldn't like sex with men before I actually had sex. I guess because up to that point men were almost all mean and cruel, so why would sex be any different? All I know is my boyfriend is the first person I could do anything with that was both consensual AND I was sober. Although, I like sex better when I'm drunk. Much better. It's so much more comfortable mentally/emotionally.

And for the record, he's aware of pretty much all of this. Maybe not in the exact same words, but we have great communication and there's no hiding anything from each other. And I don't fake pleasure or orgasms for his sake because it seems dishonest and if he ever manages to give me an orgasm, I want him to know how special that actually is.