Hey Up.Late,

I'm so thankful you decided to get help and are taking the necessary steps to deal with this issue. I'm unloved by both of my parents, so know first-hand how it feels.. I can understand the strong reactions people have had and agree with a lot of what the others here have said. At the same time, I can't help feeling sad for you for some of the harshest things people have said. I was in two minds since yesterday about replying at all as I don't want to mix my experience with that of you and your family.

First of all, I want to say I'm incredibly sorry to hear about the loss of your baby.. I can only imagine how painful that will have been for you..

What struck me in your initial post was how tough a time you seem to have had during your first pregnancy. I'm no doctor, but would imagine the depression will have had a lot to do with why you weren't able to bond with your first-born. It sounds very serious since you actually thought about ending your life.. You definitely need to be compassionate with yourself when it comes to having had to deal with something as serious as depression on your own for two long years, and as a new mum no less.. Sounds absolutely awful

A thought came to me when I read about how difficult physical closeness with your eldest is for you.. Sounds like the mere thought makes you recoil, so it probably has something to do with you being disgusted with something. I wonder if this could be about you feeling guilty about how things were when your eldest was born? You seem to focus very much on those early years and your inability to bond with her.. Do you ever feel like it's too late to become a better mum to her now, or that you don't have the right to be close to her since you failed initially? You obviously do, and need to! But maybe you need to forgive yourself first for what happened in the past..

I'm very much inclined to think the inability to bond had a lot to do with your depression, and think you need to cut yourself some slack there. You were ill. You couldn't have done any better under the circumstances. I take it it was impossible for you to get help back then? You don't sound like a mum who'd purposefully hurt their child.

The thing is, you obviously can't change anything that happened back then - you also cannot take away the pain or damage those early experiences and everything since has caused your child. You're right, it makes a difference to have at least one parent/person capable of and willing to give unconditional love. However, as you've begun to see yourself, your child will still feel and start to show the effects of what's taken place in your relationship with her.

You wrote about the time you spent with your children at the pool and how you tried talking to your eldest more and include her in play. I think these are steps in the right direction - and of course she's going to find it weird as it's something she's not used to.

I feel I need to say, though, as someone with the experiences I've had with parents unwilling/incapable of loving me that if you really want to bond with your child, you need to talk to them about how you feel, and be willing to hear how they feel. You need to talk about real stuff, the bad as well as the good. This could be a long process as you will have skills you need to learn, and I'm sure your eldest will have difficulty trusting you. I'm sure your therapist will be able to help you with this and guide you through the process. I do hope more than anything that if your child ever wants to tell you how she felt/feels about your actions or inactions, you'll be able and willing to listen. Not try to justify yourself, just listen. Validate her feelings. She's got the right to be angry, hurt, sad - I'd find it incredibly weird if she wasn't, in fact!

I feel the fact that you brought up and have wondered about seeing yourself and your sister in your own children means it's significant and will certainly get dealt with in therapy. You say you appreciate your eldest as a person and an independent human being, but it sounds like you're also seeing a lot in her that isn't actually her, and the same goes for your other child. So what if they're like or unlike you or anyone else you('ve) know(n)? How you feel about yourself or your sister or anyone else has got nothing to do with who your children are and how they should be treated. That's like my mother hating ME whenever I remind her of my dad, or anyone doubting their new BF/GF because they had an earlier relationship where their partner cheated/was violent/whatever.. It's extremely unfair to the other person.

You also say your siblings are perfect - obviously, that cannot be true since no one is.. You don't need to be a Stepford Wife either, you just need to be good enough - and know what truly matters! I wish my mum had got down to her knees to my level when I was little, looked me in the eyes and asked me how I was doing. How I was feeling. What I thought about things. What I needed. Instead, she focused on making her house look perfect, making her garden look perfect, making her kids prim and proper, making her husband perfect, her life perfect - all lies! And all the while neglecting her actual responsibilities. I hate her for it.

But your situation will get better with every step you take. This is the start of a new and better life for you and your family even though the road will be tough at times. Just keep taking those steps. You're doing the right thing. Your relationship with your lovely, precious eldest child will only get better. Hugs!!!