I am so sorry you're in pain.

I went through a year of this with T1, and quit for the reasons you mentioned. Took up with T2, and now in similar territory. I've realized that you can't just shut the feelings off. One of the dangers of therapy is that you start seeing things you never saw before, and thinking about things differently. There's no going back.

To me it sounds like you have some pretty intense intrusive thoughts about your T and therapy. Books about treating OCD or PureO may help between sessions, if you want to try to lessen how much you're focusing on it. I'm not suggesting you have either of those things, but alleviating thoughts that are causing you suffering can't hurt. I've looked into this myself, even though I definitely don't fit the OCD profile. Others here may be able to recommend helpful books. If you could somehow compartmentalize and have more control over the thoughts, the emotions should follow... and gosh knows emotional control when it comes to therapy is almost impossible assuming therapy is at the front of your mind.