Thank you for all your responses. Its taken me a while to read and process them all. I ended up in tears a few times.

eskielover - I am so thankful for your reply. I felt like you were describing me in your description of yourself. You are the only other person I've ever found who was like me.

I never wanted kids. I hated how we grew up. My parents fought all the time and then my dad left and Mum was a working single parent and I spent my time at my Nans house (dads mum). She was a hard, stern and strong woman. She didn't show 'love' as you would expect. She cooked food. That was her love.

I never got along with my mum much either, My sister did. (there were only 2 of us at this stage). Once I remember having such a huge fight with mum and telling her I wanted to live with Dad, so she told me to call him and go. I called him.... and he didn't want me either. My Grandmother (mums mother) once told me that if my mum died and they asked her to take us that she would take my sister, but not me. I've been hard to live with since I was born. My Nan was the only person who could handle me being there all the time, but I even made her angry sometimes.

Now that I'm in my 30s, and they don't have to live with me, I am really close to my mum and sister. My sister is my best friend. I can tell her anything and she still loves me. She even includes me in her group of friends when she goes on 'girls weekend' holidays. It just makes it hard because we live in different states now. Although I make her mad at me when I am with her too long so its probably a good thing we live so far apart.

I see my mum all the time, we only live about 30 mins from each other. I love my mum, she's helpful and supportive, I don't get along so well with her husband. We always clash so I never spend more than a few hours near him. We just set each other off.

When I met my husband I was so surprised that someone actually wanted to be with me, to spend time with me. He was the one who wanted kids, eventually. Either way, we didn't get a choice. I got pregnant with that stupid contraceptive implant in my arm. Even my GP was shocked. I was told it was impossible.

I have always been there for Baylee (that's my eldest daughter). I have been at every concert, every netball game, dance class and every school event that she has ever been involved in, except between February 24 and October 20th 2010 - that's when I was living in the hospital with my son. I came home every few weeks to see the kids and I did take her (only her) back to the hospital with me for a few weeks, I got given a small unit not far from the hospital that they let us stay in. I am there for her, I'm just not good at it.

I think as she has gotten older that I have become more of a friend than her mother.

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a kid. Since having my youngest daughter diagnosed with ASD I have often thought I was misdiagnosed. I am uncomfortable with people in some circumstances. I have so many SPD issues that I think I could be worse than my daughter.

Another thing about the bond with my youngest is that I haven't always 'loved' her either.. When she was born (again not my choice, this time I was taking the pill and discovered I was pregnant) I told them to take the Maori (New Zealand native people for those wondering)baby back to its mother and find my baby. (I am very fair skinned and my youngest daughter has a permanent tan)

It was only that she had so many issues as a newborn that I was at the hospital for weekly check-ups and her paediatrician noticed that I had PND and she kept a close eye on me for months and if I seemed like I was losing it she would admit my daughter & I into the hospital for observation. She was a really nice lady. I learnt how to bond with my youngest in the hospital.

Trippin2.0 - I am not much of a nurturer either, I hate taking care of myself and I am not much good at taking care of other people. Cats I get, people, not so much. I applaud you on your ability to set your own difficulties aside and learn what your daughter likes. I wish I had been so aware of my own problems earlier on and I hadn't made the mistakes I now have.

d.o.a. Thank you for your reply. I'm glad you decided to share it. Its been nice to get a little more insight from someone who has been on my daughters side. I really appreciate your ability to understand that I am not meaning to do this to her. thank you again.

Thank you also to everyone else who posted a reply to me. I am trying to take in everything that you have all said. I am trying to fix the problems I have and I am trying to not let it get the better of me. I can do better and I will keep trying until I get this right.



Well, in other news, I still haven't heard back from the therapist I contacted. I guess I'll call gain tomorrow. No harm in being persistent right?

Also today, Baylee hugged me. I freaked out, thought about all of you here and I managed to stay in the hug for about 30 seconds. It felt way longer than that and in my head I was losing it, but I held it together on the outside and dealt with her hug. I have no idea what she was thinking or feeling during it, of course, but I felt like I did a good job at hiding my feelings.

I am hoping that eventually when she hugs me that my brain wont go to DEFCON 5 and have that feeling like a small person is running around in there screaming like they are on fire...

I hope all this made sense... Its almost 2am, its been a busy day with school going back, and I'm a bit tired. I have to be up at 6 to get the kids ready for school.