I feel so so so bad for your eldest daughter. I can sympathize with her in a way. My mother had 8 kids &would disappear for days on end, she wrote us all a letter once saying that she never loved us, and didn't know how. I was very young at the time. Now that I'm older with a kid of my own, my mom is trying to be the mother she wasn't when we were young. It's a little too late to try and 'parent me' or even show me too much affection, otherwise I feel uncomfortable. But it's a relief to see that she did change over time, and she is trying to show us love now.

Now that I have my own baby, I will admit that I don't have much of that nurturing instinct either. It's hard enough for me to take care of myself. I don't even like to. But i do it anyways, because it must be done! I sympathize with you on that note.

I wonder if you have ever told your husband how you feel. Is he someone that you could talk to about your feelings? You clearly feel awful about this. Maybe having your daughter see a therapist as well would help her, since there has already been some damage done.