All this made me cry, in a good way though. Thank you so much.
As for all the things that are going wrong, I could go into it, but in a way I don't want to. I feel as though all I do is complain about my life and though some of the things are really bad, I'm really tired of focusing on them. I just don't know how to stop focusing on the bad, because it's like I'm in the ocean and I swam too far out and now I'm just getting slammed with waves over and over and I can't come up for air
No, you know what, I will tell you. Maybe it'll help. I don't know.
I feel like I have to start at the beginning. Five years ago, my father started drinking again. He's been an alcoholic all my life, though I didn't know it, and he had been sober since the day I was born. After the drinking started up again, this amazing man who raised me changed completely. He cheated on my mother and had multiple affairs. This completely destroyed my mom, and she finally got up the courage to divorce him. That was two years ago and we still can't get past it. My dad has a need to control everything and everyone in his life, and it's been his mission for two years to make things hard for us. He's emotionally abusive to me and to my sister, and physically abusive (sometimes) to my younger brother. We were able to gain custody of my little sister a year ago, but my brother won't press charges or admit to anything having happened, and so he still lives part time at my dad's. My dad is constantly doing things, like changing the insurance us kids are all on, to make it impossible for us to go to the doctor or the therapist (it's high deductible, so each appointment is like $300 or more, which we don't have.) He doesn't "believe" in mental disorders, and he thinks that mental medication is a scam. Since we're all on his insurance, he always knows if we go to the therapist and we get no end of crap for it. My brother and I have both been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My brother has been very suicidal lately. His mood swings have gotten bad, and he's been to the ER twice in the past month after making threats towards others and toward himself. My mother cares about me, but my brother seems to be in such a worse place than I am, she has nothing left for me. She leans on me for her problems and depression, and doesn't notice that I've been having a hard time. Meanwhile, my anxiety and depression has gotten so bad I can't leave the house. I spent all my money and have nothing left for school. I'm already failing the semester, and it's only the second week. My job has been cutting my hours, so I'm making less. I'm less and less patient at my job and I'm scared I'm going to start doing badly and get fired. Then, as if all this weren't bad enough, exactly one week ago my boyfriend of four years BROKE UP WITH ME. Out of NOWHERE. He said he still loves me, that he didn't want to break up with me, but that he felt like he had to because he's been depressed and he needs to "find himself" again. I understand this, but I've been through it so many times in the last four years, and I always stayed and worked it out and our relationship was stronger because of it. Then the next day, he changed his mind, and said he wanted to work on it while staying with me. Now he's acting like nothing happened, and being more loving towards me than ever. But parts of his behavior have changed. For example, he and I aren't very social. But Friday night I didn't hear from him after he got out of work, so I finally called, and he said he was "out with friends" at a bar. Which is really, really weird for him. Not for others, I know, but for him it's weird. Then at 4 am, he texts and says "I'm just gonna crash at my friend's house, I'm really tired." Um, what? Staying overnight where? I feel like all my trust in him has completely broken ever since he decided he was going to break up with me. I don't feel safe anyone. I don't feel like I can rely on him or tell him things or look to him for help. And I'm constantly terrified that our relationship is going to end, that he's going to leave me. I love our relationship, I love him. I love what we have and I don't want my life to be without it. He's my best friend. I'm just scared all the time now, of everything. Scared I'm going to lose my brother, scared I'm going to fail school, scared I'm going to lose my boyfriend. I am SO FRUSTRATED. I just don't have any more to give right now. I just want to lay down and go to sleep.