Quote:
Originally Posted by Orvel
I'm 25 years old and I've never had a girlfriend or been emotionally close to a girl. It's not like I haven't had any chances. Alltogether there were about 3 girls interested in me (without me initiating it). I haven't used any of these chances. There was always some excuse ... she lives too far, I am not attracted to her, she doesn't know the real me and she will eventually dump me etc.
For the last couple of months I've had the opportunity to be around a nice, fun and smart girl. Over time I've gotten comfortable and confident around her. I've also managed to get emotionally closer to a girl than ever. She is my coworker, she's a nice girl and everyone likes her, but she is a puzzle.
First it started with her making jokes while going for eye contact, jokingly teasing me, attracting my attention which she liked, this went on for a week or two. Then suddenly she went cold. After that back to normal with sending me mixed signals. Now she acts towards me in a strange way. Sometimes standing too close to me, but being nervous when I walk near her in a narrow space. There are a bunch of other signals. On top of everything she has a boyfriend. I've stopped trying to get what this all means. So I am NOT ASKING YOU WHAT HER BEHAVIOUR MEANS.
If I think that she likes me then I feel that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE AND I FEEL LIKE I AM ON TOP OF THE WORLD. I make jokes, I am happy, optimistic, I talk more and I feel more like sharing stuff about me.
If I think she doesn't like me (and just enjoys the tension that there is between us just to make work interesting) then EVERYTHING IS HOPELESS. I am bummed out sad. I am not talkative and just pretend I am smiling. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up because I am just going to be hurt, but if I don't I just feel HORRIBLE. I feel like life is not worth fighting for anymore. I feel like AvPD is too difficult to handle. I am so disturbed that I cannot do my work or enjoy the stuff I do when I am alone.
These "mood swings" happen when I am not around her and when I have the time to think things over.
The worst part is that I spend literaly 8 hours a day from Monday-Friday in an office with her (there are four of us there). So I am reminded of this EVERY DAY. Being alone after work just gives me time to think and makes things worse.
Edit: I feel stupid and pathetic because of this.
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Hi there!
I have not a lot of experience in heart matters but I will give you my opinión.
As avoidants we crave for human contact, specially for a soulmate. This need makes us enjoy contact moments much moré than normal people. As a drug effect.
When you see or believe to see a distance between you and that girl, your mood falls down in a deeper way than normal people.
You are very young and you will have moré experiences like this so what can you do? It's easier saying than doing it. Try to approach these situations in a more rational way. I know it's very hard but you have to try it.
Said that, you have to look for illusions in little things such us, the well you are doing your work, the nice you are being with your coworkers or strangers...so your confidence and happiness won't depend on a single person.
Now, you are free to tell me "go to hell". Lol! I know it's difficult love is marvellous.
