When I read the 1st sentence of your post, CactusK, I thought: "I don't know anything about this." Then when I read the 2nd sentence of your post I thought: "Hey, this sounds just like me!" (My wife could tell stories...) I've been on Cymbalta the past 2+ years though & it seems to have helped in that department. (I'm now in the process of tapering off... so I'll see if the problem returns...) I haven't allowed an engine to melt though. So I guess the similarity only goes so far.

It's not surprising that your husband's behavior has you upset. A person can only take so much. Yes, your husband may have Asperger's Syndrome. (It sounds as though this has not been formally diagnosed.) But even if he does, that doesn't mean you are required to have the patience of a saint. At some point, your husband has to begin to take responsibility for his actions. He needs to seek professional help, get a formal diagnosis & a treatment plan, & then he must follow it.

From my perspective, anyone who struggles with mental illness has to, at some level, take responsibility for doing what s/he must do in order to make living with others bearable, as well as for her / himself. There's no free ride just because a person has a mental illness. If your husband is simply unwilling to do so then, at some point, you must make a decision with regard to how much you are willing to put up with & for how long. You must do what is necessary to take care of yourself.

Some individual therapy for yourself may be helpful to you with regard to figuring out how to handle the behaviors your husband is exhibiting now, as well as, with regard to how long & to what degree you want to continue to tolerate his behaviors. It's possible there may be some techniques you can learn that will help to modify your husband's behavior, such as simply ignoring it. It is true that marital difficulties are seldom caused entirely by one person. It is possible that you are unwittingly doing things that are triggering your husband's behaviors. This is not your fault. It's simply the way marital dynamics tend to develop over time. My best wishes to you both...