I know this song has probably been sung on these boards a million times before... but i need help

my dr had me take the bipolar screening test on here when i was first diagnosed, and the results were of the charts.

so yada yada so many years later i live a medicated, yet productive, life. Its funny looking around at all the people i know and i feel like all i see staring back is thankfulness that they no longer have to deal with my destructive and hurtful actions. im on 1500 mg of lithium, 350mg of lamictal, 400mg of seroquel, buspar, and lexpro. took almost 2 years to figure all this out. And with it all i do live a happy life with moderate swings. people can stand to live with me... some of the time.

I was always pro-meds. then i got a little taste of mania again. it felt wonderful. i didnt sleep or eat for days. the house was in a state of q-tip clean perfection. Then my friend, who albeit should have been medicated, is going through a period of such high beautiful, full blown manic state. everyone else thinks hes crazy. while my mouth is watering. i want to feel it again. i grit my teeth like im pheening for a drug. I want it back, it may have ruined much of my life but i want to fly again. Above the clouds like life is just a creek flowing below me and i above. freedom. ugh i miss just pushing some up against a wall... and you know. even though i got herpes from all the many many sexual exploits. i want it. i want to leave. drive somewhere new. meet new people, become someone else. i have a 1 year old son. i should stay and be there. i had no parents. i shouldnt repeat. but i WANT IT

and then i read what i wrote and somewhere i think their is justice. the rest of me just plain ole ****ing wants it again...

any encouraging words. i skipped my meds today. i feel like i have the dice... and im wanting to gamble!