My doc put me on Lamictal. I called and asked him to because I was feeling that horrible deadweight feeling I haven't had in ages. It started to lift before I started the med but I've been on the verge of depression and don't trust my judgment...so I'm taking it.

I screwed up my lithium blood test because I missed three doses in a week (which never, ever happens, and I didn't notice till after the blood draw.) Now I have to be extra careful for a week and do another test, before he'll make any adjustments. Which would be okay but I'm just jumpy and moody as I can be, and pretty close to worthless at work. And I've spent the last two weeks evaluating everything I do: is this depression? Hypomania? How about if I just stay home under the covers until it all goes away?

<expletive deleted>

I'm so tired of working at my job, working on myself. Venting like this makes me feel I'm taking advantage of you all; telling my doc about the missed lithium dose makes me feel completely irresponsible, and telling my boss about any of this makes my skin crawl. My job eval is tomorrow. It will be good, but...crawlies anyway.

I know I'm lucky. I have a reasonable job, a place to live, insurance, a doc I trust...but how I would love to get back to where I can just BE, and not be this.

And if you read this far (why?), thank you. I'm sorry if I harshed anyone's mellow. I'll be okay. I'm supposed to be clearing out the junk room tonight but curling up with a book sounds better.