When you accidentally became pregnant with Baylee, you were in a pretty dark place. Between the severe depression before, the problems with nursing her and the postpartum, you must have been exhausted. You provided for her, but you never really bonded. Perhaps you were too stressed at the time.

I believe that on a deeply subconscious level, you associate her with unpleasant feelings. A time of great pain in your life. She reminds you of yourself as a child, which you find uncomfortable because of the memories it carries for you. Baylee, though a child, can sense this unease and withdraws.

You mention having difficulty bonding with your second child. Only bonding after being hospitalized with her. Maybe that situation gave you the time that you never had with Baylee. Perhaps you received encouragement and guidance there.

When Baylee hugged you, you speak of a small person running inside of you. Who is this child?

"Hiding your feelings" What feelings? Next time you hug, ask yourself, "what am i feeling?" Trapped? Angry? Guilt? Shame? something else? Write it down.

You say that you don't love Baylee. That is a lie.

That fact that you posted your issue to a bunch of strangers, asking for understanding and help proves to me that you do.

YouTube: Brene Brown : Listening to Shame