I was doing so well for almost a solid 2 months. Then bam one nightmare begins to set off my anxiety/depression. Suddenly, because of the nightmare, I felt like I needed to apologize to my ex, while still feeling relatively healthy and non-symptomatic. It set a trail where I reached out to two people to see if they could help me get a letter to her (since she has me blocked on Facebook). It's more about me clearing my conscious and putting things into perspective for her (explaining, but not excusing my past behavior, by explaining Bipolar 2). It's vague and all...not digging anything up. But these people are so unresponsive I wonder if they even asked her or she said something and now they're like avoiding me. I'm having A LOT of nightmares and disturbing thoughts which disrupt my sleep. And yes, I've been taking my meds regularly.

I'm angry with my Bipolar. For the first time in about 2 months, I'm getting anxious and depressed. I doubled over this morning which I haven't done in actually over 2 months. And I feel so strongly today of all days that I want to isolate myself and not do any of my schoolwork. There comes a point when I wonder if I should tell my teachers I have Bipolar 2 and ask for extensions on things.

I've made some friends aware I'm "off today." I just don't want to say anything stupid and get in some stupid fight because of my irritability. It's like I want the world to go away.

Anyway...today I just yelled in my head to myself "f you body, I don't deserve this! I was doing fine! Go the f away!"

My coping skills at this point in time have weakened and I'm finding it hard to believe that I can control my mental illness again and feel fine. Everytime I do and think I am fine, I relapse. Is it even worth trying anymore? It seems the illness is always going to win. Why should I fight it and not just struggle all the time to live life? It's a loosing battle. I just want this stupid Bipolar to go away forever.

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