My entire life until a couple years ago I was suffering from mental illnesses, but I bottled the pain, fear and did everything I could to be occupied. I suffered many traumatic losses and events in a few short years including a c-spine disc injury and spinal cord trauma. Finally my grief was so evident I went to the doctor. I was misdiagnosed with depression and prescribed in that manner. Within a week of starting medication I became manic then psychotic and was hospitalized.
I later was diagnosed with several other disorders. I already had become completely dependent on my fiance and he helped me every step of the way while we both suffered from my illnesses and life hardships. Our relationship changed, we still loved eachother and once we had the money he told me "I can help you better now, lets expand upon your monthly psychiatrist visit and try rehabilitation/psychotherapy. We can do this together, we have tools available and we can really begin our lives." He had become very distant and I was so touched and terrified to even begin to think I could feel better. I wanted to feel better for myself and for him.
After 5 weeks of therapy I was feeling real emotions that were positive. It was eerie that I forgot so many ways of feeling and that optimism existed. During all this I was picking up tasks around the house and communicating with people again. Somehow I hadn't noticed that the man I was supposed to marry never praised me and never brought up the subject. When I would tell him how I felt, what my therapies were and asked if I really seemed like this road to recovery was real. He would just acknowledge what I told him and agree that I seemed to be improving.
I knew he had been strained for a long time and I was so excited to begin removing that burden from him. At first I almost did not go to my initial appointment because I feared if I failed I might just give up. That no longer mattered because I knew I would continue to get better and have a rather normal life again.
At this point of the story this is where my hope died. And is buried forever.

One night I was waiting for my partner to come to bed for hours after he got up to get on the computer. So I thought. He was just laying on the couch so I asked him to come to bed. This is where I just cannot begin to fathom what he was feeling or thinking. Everything that he wanted of me was happening. Somehow it didn't matter. He told me I cant go to bed with you because I want you to leave. I love you but I just cant do this anymore, I feel like I'm going to be trapped as your caregiver for the rest of our lives. I'm still in shock we have talked about it. I don't understand at all. Throughout all the hardships and me being such a burden I felt so much guilt and thought maybe he just felt obligated to take care of me, still loved me, but wanted to remove me from his life so he could feel better. My fiance flat out told me he wanted me out of his house, he needed space, and it didn't matter where I stayed. He is my only family and support. I only have 2 friends that live within driving distance and cannot house me. Also I am completely dependent on my partner's income for my mental health treatment, medications, therapies. Everything. He was completely aware of these facts. He described that he felt he had no more of himself to give and needed to try to heal and he couldn't do that paying for all my expenses. The ideals list we drew up with my therapist specified that it would be a great success if I was working and bringing in enough income to offset what I cost to be cared for. I have never been so hurt, distraught, crushed, abandoned, and demoralized. I experienced the ultimate fail. I didn't eat for 5 days, I barely slept all I could do is cry. Out of some charity my ex-fiance wanted me to go to my counseling appointment. I'm pretty sure he felt the would have to intervene and take me off his hands. My therapist talked to him on the phone and said she doesn't say she will hurt herself, but she is so distraught and defeated that you need to take a little responsibility. He agreed he would keep an eye on me. My therapist then surprised me and said it is not for me to judge or get too involved in, but my patient comes first and she is so hopeless and I am very concerned. I had told my therapist that me being released from our relationship meant no roof, food, medicine, treatment, ablility to care for myself and I made it very clear how much it hurt that he would take wellness from me. Especially after offering it and encouraging it. If he wanted to take me into consideration at all he would have only had to wait a few more months. We had been going through the most trying times for years. How could he do this now? My therapist was able to get my ex-fiance to agree to let me stay in a separate room for 30 days so we could file for assistance. We have a counseling appointment in a couple days and I don't even know how to handle it. I'm destroyed and I don't think I have the courage to try it alone unfortunately the added motivation of also improving a loved one's situation is a big factor. Has anyone here been through anything like this? He always hated my mania and I had to hide away so I didn't upset him. He had withdrawn. But to go from full support to this isn't your home and I'm not your family is such a shock. What makes this worse is now he is being kind to me. Doing things for me. Let me start sleeping in the bed. Offered comfort and now we are sleeping in the same bed. I know this is a big mistake. I feel like if I was any more alone my body would just spontaneously expire. I really apologize for the long rambling post, but if anyone has any sources of helpful information, books, encouragement please share. Also I think I'm so shocked I cant believe this is real and if anyone here has experienced this please reply. This post isn't about the loss of a mate, but the loss of hope of life as a human, not a zombie or eventually a corpse. Now that I have nothing except clothes and junk that I wont be able to take anywhere I don't know how I am supposed to build from the ground up with nothing, no car, money, not knowing if I will even be able to continue my medications that keep me out of psych hospital. If you finished reading all this I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Maybe I am just seeking some empathy or acknowledgement. I am very aware partners of mentally ill persons sometimes must leave the sick partner because they cant sacrifice their own lives or the sick partner either refuses to seek treatment or has become too ill to care for alone. This all just seems so very out of character. My partner would never throw me out, but he is trying and probably will. My name is Myrrh I am brand new to the site and I am looking forward conversing and sharing on such a broad spectrum. I am also lost, terrified and so very alone. This sounds horrible but even if my healthcare continues I have this feeling that I will not go back to my planned course. Almost like if I try something else will happen and I will be in this dark and hopeless place again and I'm not sure I will ever have a pleasurable or optimistic feeling again except the false ones during mania... Are there any resources available to me? Because I honestly don't know how to help myself and I don't know how much my psychiatric clinic can do...