I think you need to embrace this fetish! It part of who you are! Why are you shaming yourself about it? Bec it's not socially acceptable? You'd be extremely surprised what happens behind closed doors & IMHO I think everyone has some dark fetish. I have many.

But this fetish makes you unhappy....bec you've probably been raised w/ a Norman Rockwell pic of life in your head. We are all human. We're all different.
Yes I agree w/ the others AFA getting counseling, seeking a therapist....sex therapist if you can find one & maybe there's a happy medium you can come to.
Please stop beating yourself up over the fact that you're different than others. You can make this work....& still be happy.
Peace