I went to the session. In my head, I was strong. What motivated me to go was feeling irritated at my own spinelessness if I just shrank away and didn't go back. I wanted to confront her, lay out all my complaints on the table, and re-assert myself. Say that it's not acceptable, I am going, I am not abusive and actually come to think of it - you are being rather abusive yourself.

Cowardice has always been something I can't stand to feel in myself, if I think I'm copping out of something I make myself do it, even if it's not wise. And I should have know by now. But I honestly felt so tough. I was wearing clothes that make me feel very much like myself (fur bolero, good boots) and a good spritz of perfume that makes me feel good, and had blasted loads of music that makes me feel upbeat. I thought I had it.

I just turned into a mouse in the room, feeling like I was being watched by an indifferent and bored cat, suddenly all the fight went out of me I was talking and talking, trying to keep the cat happy, and confused because some of the things she said do make sense. My behaviour elicits this response in others who are very close, ie family, partners, so what am I doing to get this response??? She has a point there? She said, you basically told me I'm sh#t, and I won't take that after all I've done, I don't take abuse from anyone.

Now I am more confused, I don't feel safe at all, but there is information there that is useful. I don't know if you have seen the old movie Mrs Frisby & the Rats of Nimh, but there is a bit where the field mouse goes to get advice from the owl who is terrifying. The owl gives some advice that points Mrs Frisby in the direction of how to save her son's life, but at the same time she is terrified he might eat her. That's where I am.

I hate feeling weak, and I hate feeling like she has a point because it makes my points less solid. I don't hate her, but interestingly I don't feel love towards her either (good) because I think I'm too busy being afraid and mistrustful (bad, cowardly).

She is the first person that I have had this pattern with, where I have not lost my temper and torn strips off them. I didn't think I was going in there to do that today- I really wanted to stay in control, and be assertive, but not lash out and spit out what I think very savagely. I went too far the other way, and dissolved. Somebody hand me a grip.