Hi everyone,
I am new to this website and posting on forums, but I feel it is the only way I can get my feelings out and get back control of my life. I am not very good at putting thoughts to paper but I could use some advice from anyone who is willing to give it. Here is my story:
My husband and I have been together since I was 19, 8 years. We got married June of 2014, so married 7 months. We were the happiest couple around. My friends loved him, my family adores him, and I always portrayed myself as happy. I had a great job, was purpose to on thanksgiving night in front of my friends and family in 2013, and was so excited to start the rest of our lives! At least I thought I was.
I never told anyone before, but my husband, will call him A. had a few online flirting affairs and one with a coworker as well. He swears nothing went past flirting and texting, but I was devastated. I never fully trusted him after that and I was so mad that he would hurt me like that. I have also had the same group of friends since we were little and they mean the world to me. I never once told them what he did as in fear they wouldn't to be able to forgive him. So I kept quiet. A and I have a lot in common but at the same time we are completely different. One of our differences is that he's a quiet home body and doesn't like to be too social, where as I'm the life of the party, social butterfly. Right around the beginning of 2014, so about a year ago, I felt this difference between us was pushing us apart. I started going to parties by myself and attending Social events solo and I was fine with it, but deep down I could feel our connection and attraction to each other drifting. At that point another man in my life wasn't even a thought, and I was happy going out, having drinks, dancing the night away with friends, and going home to my then fiancé. Until the one night that changed my entire life.
It was April 5th 2014, and it was a friends birthday, and we all took a limo around town to local bars. A had originally said he would go, but then decided he didn't want to, which was no surprise. I, as per usual attended by myself. Well the limo had a lot of booze and I had not eaten much that day, so it's safe to say that alcohol played a huge role in this, in the beginning. I met the man I had an affair with that night, I'll call him K. K and I had met briefly a few weeks back, but it was so brief I didn't even realize I met him. We started chatting and drinking at the bar. We had a lot in common and as the night went out, and the drinks we shared, the more and more I was crossing that line. I ended up not remembering the rest of the evening to waking up to a nightmare. I woke up naked, next to K, at his friends house. I couldn't believe what I had done. I had cheated on my fiancé. I immediately woke up, woke K up, and asked if he could bring me to my mothers, since I couldn't dare go home to A with what I had done, I needed to gather my thoughts and get a grip on what I had done. That was the first day of the rest of my double life.
That night, K and I talked via facebook messenger, then exchanged numbers. I thought in my head, okay if I just keep it friends, and never do it again, I don't have to say anything to anyone. I felt so disgusted with myself, but at the same time I felt this weird attraction to K, and didn't want to stop talking to him.
A few weeks went by without seeing each other, but we were constantly talking via text. I mean I couldn't put down my phone. Then we started seeing other out, running into each other on purpose, and we started having a full blown affair. He was saying all the right things to keep me with him. A had no idea about it, because he was too involved with his video games. Months went by and I just kept on sleeping with K. I then started to deliberating pushing A away and finding ways to not be around him. The week of my wedding came and I still was involved with K, even though we both tried several times to break it off, we kept finding ways to be in each other's lives. I got married fully knowing I was not 100% in love with my husband, and still thinking about K. After my wedding, K and I thought it would be best to not contact each other because it was wrong. But someone we just couldn't stop, I couldn't stop. I ended up losing my job, and losing some friends because of that decision. Finally, in August, my husband had gotten a phone call from someone telling him about me and K. I lied through my teeth and said it only happened once and that we were just friends. We agreed that I wouldn't talk to him anymore. By of course I couldn't stay away and I went back to K. In October things between A and I were so bad, I was ready to leave him and be with K. I confessed to K that I was going to file for divorce and that I was moving back home with my mother. I was scheduled to go on a cruise with a bunch of my friends, and A was not going. We talked a lot that night before I left. I knew I wasn't going to have any contact with K or A during the week on the cruise. We talked and he said when you come back and you want to work it out, I am willing to if you are. We both need to make adjustments in our lives, and if we are willing to make those adjustments, then we should stay together.
I went on the cruise, had an amazing time, and the first night on the balcony I was looking over the water and I realized one thing, I missed A, more than anything. I thought about him that whole week. I couldn't imagine myself without A. I then started thinking, oh my god, what have I done? I destroyed my husband, my job, my life over K. And over what? When I got back from the cruise, I realized that I needed to cut off all contact with him, which I did. I blocked him on all social media and I blocked his number, and never talked to him again.
But now, my life is terrible, because of this stupid affair I had. I can't seem to find a job, A and I have some good days but really really really bad bad days, a few of my friends won't talk to me because of what I've done. I can't believe I allowed myself to do something like this because before I met K, I was that person always saying "how can you cheat on the person you love?" And now I'm that awful person who did that. I feel awful everyday of my life. Some days it's really bad, I sit and cry and can't get out of bed. Some days are better than others. The reason why I am even writing all of this out is to get some perspective on my situation. I am punishing myself and I don't know how to stop. A feels like the affair is his fault because he wasn't there for me, he didn't give me the attention that I was looking for, so I went elsewhere for it.
I am really at a loss now on how to move forward. Any suggestions? Thank you for your support in advance,
Sincerely,
Looking to be happy again.....