Ozzie, girl, you are so darn cheerful and affirming all the time. What's your secret? I need to learn it!

Dex, I live in Milwaukee, home of the world's worst mass transit. But it's only a 90 minute drive to Chicago. Next time anyone I'm related to wants to come here, I'm going to drive them to Chicago, dump them in Lake Michigan, and make them swim to Milwaukee. That way I'll have some time to myself. ;-)

The thing that gets me is that I never seem to make any progress in certain areas. Over the years, I've gotten a good handle on the SI. I have lots of scars, but not many new ones. That's progress.

I don't loathe and detest myself as much as I used to, though if you catch me in an unguarded moment I'm still likely to tell you I'm a worthless piece of crap, and believe it. But most days now I can more or less tolerate myself (unless I've violated my own expectations of myself). If the day ever arrives that I can say I love myself most of the time, I will be a cured woman and ditch therapist, pdoc and meds. :-)

But I never seem to make any progress with my family. I put my last therapist's son through law school whining about my mother. Actually, I'm even better in that area -- I've learned how to let the answering machine pick up her calls when they're inconvenient to answer.

Somehow, though, I never get over wishing I had a "normal" family. The one I actually have butts up against the "ideal" version in my head and causes me problems. How stupid is it to keep wishing for something that repeatedly never happens? When do you think I'll learn? Ever? I'm beginning to wonder.

My poor beleaguered pdoc has been trying to get me to sever relations with my mother for the whole 6 years I've seen him. I know he'd be supportive if I did it. Hell, ALL my mental health caregivers would do cartwheels! But what keeps me from doing it is the hope that, even though she abused me six ways to Sunday, and gives me no help now even when I'm desperate, that one of these times she'll be a "real" mom and help me out like every other mom I know does for her kids.

You know what? It's never going to happen. You would think that if I keep banging my head against the same brick wall, and all I get every time is a bloody head, I would learn to quit banging my head against the wall. I don't know if I'm stubborn or stupid or both.

Candy

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. -- Albert Camus