I know I messed up. I knew it when I was doing it that I was risking everything - but I forgot how sick I get and what was at stake.

Around christmas I stopped taking one of my meds as I was drinking a lot and knew they didnt go together so well. I've become unstable not taking this med, but now I have almost 'replaced' it with weed and alcohol. My good eating habits have gone out the window. I've drunk more beer and had more takeaway then any other summer break. I've put on around 20 kilos. (could also be due to PRN zyprexa use)

My mood is low, my energy is low, my thoughts are negative, occasionally suicidal, having issues with work and friendships.

I know I need to get clean and back on the med I am supposed to be on, but it is so anxiety provoking and when I have the choice - take the med or have a smoke/drink and chillout.... I dont know how I can logically know what to do and still choose the wrong option??

I dont know if I need to do some sort of rehab or something as Im not sure I can do it on my own (my partner drinks and smokes a lot) but I need to be well and home for next week as Uni stuff starts. I know logically the plan to follow, but why wont I follow it???

I havent seen my p/tdoc in a while, today I go to see her but I dont want to tell her this stuff at the risk of her telling the meds pdoc and him admitting me for substance abuse... but maybe that is in the best interest since I am not doing myself any favors?

I feel if I really put my mind to it I could clean up on my own, but part of me just doesnt care.