Thanks guys, this has all been a big help.

I told t/pdoc what has been going on with drinking and smoking and how I am choosing that over my meds. We spent about half the session discussing if I am safe as I have made 4 attempts on my life this year, I agreed that I would continue to work with her and ring my other pdoc asap to fix the meds and if I think I need hospital. She even suggested I start uni from inpatient. She was disappointed about me pulling out of my work position and told me not to make any big decisions for a few weeks at least.

She said because I was going so well late last year she doesnt think this will be as hard as previous times to get out of. That didnt give me any hope. She obviously cares about me and today said "if all you can do today is get high/drunk and it gets you through the day, then it gets you through the day". She'd prefer me to use clonazepam but said if thats what I needed to do to get through, to just do it. I feel like I have let her down somehow.

She seems very confident that I'll get back on track, but I guess I am having a woe is me day and just feel like my life is completely ruined because Im unstable yet again and guilty because its my own doing. I just have to look after myself and stay safe, which feels like a bit of an impossible task.

Wondering when my bf will get sick of this. I havent been well much this year at all. But then we've had some really crazy times drinking and smoking and letting go together.