After 5+ years together, my pdoc told me she wants me to find another doctor because there's nothing left she can do and doesn't have any more suggestions. My main diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder with major depression and my secondary is panic disorder. I cried and couldn't walk out of her office without crying harder knowing she wants me to find someone else. Just thinking about seeing another doctor terrifies me. Every time I try to search google for one, I end up feeling like I'm so close to having a full panic attack. My chest caves in and my throat starts to close up and my heart tarts racing as I get lightheaded. Every. Single. Time. Even if I just search psychiatrist in my area, I end up closing the page right away because I can feel it all coming on instantly. At the same time, she wants me to try to lower my anxiety meds (Xanax, 2mg 4/day.) she never told me it was addicting or that it would feel like hell trying to get off of them after 4 years of being on them. Then I start feeling apparently what is withdrawals symptoms and I can't handle the feeling. How do I tell my doctor that no other doctor will be able to do anything she can't? I feel like it's personal because I don't want to take antipsychotics or even try at this point because we've literally tried everything except clozaril (which she agrees is too extreme as well). I don't want to change doctors. Just typing this message out and my chest is killing me and I'm trying so hard not to shake and cry. I can't ever say emotional things like that out loud but she no longer even replies to my emails unless it's for scheduling.

I really really don't want another doctor. I won't trust them. I'll get upset if they try to push anything on me because they know nothing about me compared to my doctor of almost 6 years.

She also keeps telling me to get a t but I as hard as I try, I run away and never come back after the first session.