Sorry for not replying yesterday. I've been busy with back to school and back to other activities..

I heard back from the therapist! Yay! Her response was call 1800 blah blah and ask them about fees and referrals and then, if you still want to see me, then call me. Not so yay! So I guess I won't be seeing her...

I went and had coffee with a friend today. She's someone I can talk to about anything. She's really proud of me for joining the page here. She thinks it'll be good for me to get some of my issues out.

I was explaining, to her, the feelings I get when I hug Baylee. She likened my description to what happens in her head when she feels threatened by a man (she was raped and abused in her early life)

Obviously my situation is nothing like hers, but the feelings of skin becoming prickly, the feeling of wanting to scream and pull away are all similar, even the panic I seem to go through. Sorry, getting off track. She was able to share more info on therapists in the area. yay again! So I'll start trying to call them tomorrow and see if I can speak to them soon.

I've been thinking more and more about what you have all said and how it's not about me, it's about Baylee. I'm starting to think its about me too. I'm broken. None of this is her fault at all, but maybe it's not all mine either.

Sorry, I'm not good at explaining this, it sounds like I'm trying to be the victim here, and that's not what I meant. I was thinking that this is 99% my fault and, maybe, 1% that no-one cared enough to notice that I was doing it rough. None of my doctors, no-one that I have spoken to in the past about my depression.

I have also decided that I need to try to do more with Baylee 1 on 1 (it was also a suggestion form here) so I decided to try and start slow.

I went to scouts tonight, I left my other daughter at home with her dad, and I spoke to the scout leader and have decided to become an adult helper/scout leader for the group. I realise that it's not one on one, but it's her and I, sharing activities that we both enjoy and I think we can bond over this. Well, I'm hoping so.

So if you guys have any more suggestions please let me know.

Thanks again for sticking with me through this process. It's nice to know I have support and I also have people to answer to, it's keeping me focused on the end goal.



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