I can totally relate to this. One thing I always say is, "Everything I love... I hate." This sounds dramatic, but sometimes I think it's really true when I'm overdoing everything and suffering from continuous guilt, knowing the things I'm doing are so unhealthy: drinking, smoking, sexing it up, taking risks, over spending, over eating, and on and on and on.

I find the more guilt and anxiety I have, the more I do the bad things. I always think worst case scenario, like I'm going to get cancer or HIV, then I think, "Oh well, **** it, I'm already doomed, I'm going to die, I'm going to go to hell, so live it up!"

Eventually I always get back to a point where I start to get depressed and then I feel as if I "come back down to earth" and have about an equal amount of time cleaning up my act. Then I can go the other direction, go to church, pray to God for help (almost obsessively), fear the things I've done, the guilt come back, and there I go again into the bad behavior as an escape.

I am trying so hard to break the cycle. It seems each time it's getting easier to clean up my act for longer periods of time.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.