Affairs are DEVASTATING. I don't think anyone expects, when s/he embarks upon an affair, that life will become so painful, complicated, and tangled up. Or perhaps it is more truthful to say that a deeply troubled marriage is what's devastating, because that kind of marriage is what leads to the affair. I don't have any great answers...all I will suggest is that you let go of blaming yourself - or blaming anyone - and accept that life is far from perfect.