Over the span of my almost 19 yr marriage 90% of that time I could never understand why I could not rationalize with money and/or different behaviors. Spring was always my favorite time; my birthday, warm weather and NEW clothes. I always knew something was not right, but getting help or discussing how I felt inside was just not available with my husband or family.
October of 2004 I have a coming out "party" which I would did not want to be the guest of honor. I could no longer mask the depression and keep up with all I did. Initially I went into the hospital to get my meds regulated or try to at least. During that first year I went through numerous medications that often left me groggy or zoned out. Not to mention all these new symptoms I was experiencing like cycling, days of crying and not being able to explain it to my husband.
He initially went 2 or 3 times to the first therapist I saw, but when the doc made some SUGGESTIONS he did not go back. Typical, because he is the super stubborn one and as usual I was left to deal with me alone. It began to take a toll on our marriage and in March of 2006 I was approached with conversations of divorce. I am then subjected to two of his sisters visiting which was nothing more than a witch hunt for one of them. Unknowing to me at the time he had been telling his family for 4 months how miserable he was and divulging some of my innermost secrets that had been locked away. Money of course being a major factor. Sadly I did not realize how much stress I had caused with not being able to rationalize with money and also that I was half heartedly managing my disorder. Six months prior to the visit I began to slowly drawn inward not leaving the house that often and surely not anything with his family as I felt he was not defending me, which he was not. One thing led to another and since August of last year we have been separated. I am very frustrated as I was always the glue in our family and if anyone needed me whether my family or his I was always available. This has really been the only time that I needed someone to help and protect me as I could not manage all I was experiencing. Since being home with our 3 boys I had to wake up, develop courage and stand up for myself. It was difficult to do, but I had to for me and my boys. It is getting to that do or die time in that either we are divorcing or we are not. Of course, his family (especially his mother) supports divorce and my family stands behind me either way. My aunt has been my rock telling me what God can restore.
I now manage me, money and actually have money in the bank that I do not want to spend just because it is there. I still have much more to do, but I am on the right road and allowing God to direct me.
Has anyone experienced their spouse not understanding that during the time of "havoic" and being undiagnosed was one a contributing factor with irrational thinking/behavior? I have asked him many times, "do you understand during those times I was sick?" I finally know and work on me accomplishing something each day and NOT stopping. So now he wants to believe divorce is best for HIM. It is not fair and I am hoping someone can give me advice in helping communicating to him the realities of what we go through each day. Thank you so very much!