Earlier this month I had the idea that i was going to go off my meds in order to give life a try without them. I realize that I'm really not on much, but I would like to live without any. Well, by the next morning, I could already tell that if I decided to do that, I was going to need to have some time away from work. So i was frustrated. My rationale is this.

I had a really bad bout of crying and sleeplessness a few years ago that was the springboard for a xanex rx from my pcdoc for sleep. Idk he may have dx depression, he may have dx anxiety. Cant remember which came first. He said, dont take it every night. And if you end up pregnant, stop taking it immediately. So I did what he said. Then, I had an episode with my ex-husband (who was my husband at the time) that triggered a BUNCH of flashbacks. It was really bad! That is how I got my T.

Well then the came the suicidal ideation. I was still working with my T at the time, but she was not available. When my mood shifted up just a little bit, I realized I better get some help or I might wake up in the hospital (my greatest fear). So i ended up calling my best friend who happens to be a T. Her voice was calm and I wasn't looking at her. I basically was so disconnected from where i was and who i was talking to that it was about two hours before looked up and saw the look of horror on her face. I then thought, oh God, please don't let her make me go to the emergency room. So we came up with a plan that i had to promise to follow in case my mood shifted down over the weekend. I followed the plan. My T was contacted. Around that time, I was switched to an SSRI. I was working on trauma stuff, i cried a lot, I had a really hard tome getting into the door of my job just about everyday. A couple of different SSRIs later, a surgery, and a declining marriage, and a planned suicide that included 'firing' my friends, i finally took me Ts recommendation decided to see a pdoc. (I rehired them when my mood shifted but i really hurt them both)

While waiting for the 6weeks to go by to have my initial visit, my marriage got really crazy. I spent a lot of time crying and in the bed. I went to work but it was hard. There were a couple of times that my behavior at work was likely deemed unbecoming. I was going through a hard time but i wasn't crazy. By the time i went to see my pdoc, I'd figured out that my husband was being unfaithful to our marriage and that we were going to end up separating. I left my pdoc's office with the dx of bipolar II. By the way, i knew i was leaving with that. I'd known since my late teens that something wasn't right (mostly from the depressive side and the colors and shadows that would float through my visual field from time to time).

My lamictal and my separation happened within two weeks of each other. If you know anything about experiments or strategies for behavior management, you know that you should only introduce one variable at a time to figure out what makes the change. Lamictal immediately worked to stabilize me. In fact, it had been about three years since i'd felt like that. Being stable with slight increases of lamictal allowed me to figure out the craziness and the mess of what my 17 year marriage had become. By the way, when i needed him most, he and everyone other than my two friends that i mentioned created space rather than support. So, i an not fighting the dx. I'm still the same person that i've always been. And with the help of the trauma work that I've done, i'm so much more aware my physical reactions to situation, mood changes, etc.

So. . . if i have lived my whole life unmedicated, why cant i manage now? Which factor pushed me over the edge, declining mental health or declining marriage? If I've got to work everyday, how can i ever try without being admitted?