Two nights ago, my best friend had a 'hard conversation' with me. She said a lot and it's kind of scattered. She told me i'm still having mood swings. In her estimation, Im not dipping as low as i was before but mania is definitely not in control. I feel like she is bringing this up again after the 'hard conversation she had with me earlier this month reminding me that I 'fired' her a year ago with an irrational suicide plan while being unmedicated. Well that's not true. 1)i was medicated with an SSRI. 2) my plan was not irrational unless it didn't work due to and underestimation of the cocktail I had in mind OR someone came home before expected. . . I did my research. To do otherwise is what is irrational. 3)the idea that i will have to add visits to a doctor for lab work or weight gain on top of overweight already is too much. This whole " i-need-to-be-medicated-thing" is getting out of control. I think people are making it worse.

They want me to be on a routine every night to get ready for bed. I don't operate on routines. Never have. Don't even know how to make one. My routine, walk around my house either being productive with working on a project that i have started or left unfinished until i get sleepy, walk around the house until the restoril kicks in and i begin to stumble, or close my door to drown out the tvs and radios that my son insists on playing simultaneously while the washing machine is on and the cat is walking, turn on white noise, and cover up my head. That only works when the child stops knocking at my door with a million questions that are obviously attention-seeking.

They want me to take meds every night and journal and pray and exercise and eat right and chart and go to my T and be on tine for my pdoc appts, and work and clean up and groom and exist. Too much!

So my friend says, "(updownmiddlegroud) i want to say this to put it in the atmosphere, do with it what you want, consider allowing me to go to you pdoc appt with you. You are not stable and my concern is that you don't remember how it has been or specifics when you go to him. I know what i see and by the time i see it, it is very likely that it has already been noticed by others. I don't want you to lose your house and your car and your job. And if something happens to you, you know where your son will be.. ."

Yeah, so invite someone to go to my pdoc appt with me who may say anything. We reviewed specific days of my chart and descriptions and on some she didnt agree with what i charted. She remembers EVERYTHING! Some of the stuff i say should be protected by a friend-to-friend agreement. And that damed chart is broken anyway.

So i try to talk to my other friend about it last night (we are a trio of friends) and she basically shuts me down when i begin to talk about not taking meds and the comment about losing everything. Though i know common practice among us is not to discuss personal stuff about one to the other without the ok, It is obvious there has been some conversation about me. So friend #2 goes on to talk about watching her sister with the same dx lose everything due to lack of treatment. They both minimize my 9 days of stability and say that is not a cause for celebration. Well how about this, eff both of them with regards to that. It was nice to see my relatively middle ground line for over a week. And the last time i went to my pdoc, even though i didn't have a full month charted, he said my chart looked stable to him. So whats the big deal? Im taking the damn meds. I miss one day and all of a sudden its a problem.

I knew when i missed it, i would be 'off for a few days' but is that the disorder or the medication?