I'll be 18 in a few months. I have had depression for as long as I can remember. I had three concussions at young ages which may have contributed (had headaches for two years). I starting noticing my thoughts to be very strange and my behavior odd at the age of 13 or so. Is it possible I got worse as I got older because I never imagined I would be where I am today mentally and physically. It all feels like a dream. I now take seroquel, wellbutrin, and xanax when needed. I have anxiety over everything, big or small and can't enjoy a moment of my life. I feel my mood swings/thought pattern has completely taken so many things away from me that normal teenagers should have had. My mom is bipolar so is my aunt, both in denial and are constantly fighting.I thought this was the normal way to think but as I get older I can see and understand why I did certain things. Before starting seroquel, I would have the worst intrusive voices in my head, now they are getting better but still there. I have no self esteem or purpose, I actually used to model before my thoughts took over. I have looked in the mirror for the past 4 years and I feel I don't know who I'm looking at I have no identity. My personality is ****, I always was shy as a kid but now I'm pretty much anti social. Not because I want to be but because I can't relate to anyone and I feel worthless, not good enough. I have basically no friends, I can't imagine what others must think of me. I feel so weird. I've never had any close relationships except this past year with a guy and I had to recently get out of it (hardest thing I've done). The guilt was horrid. I would accuse him of cheating all the time and just ended up hurting him with my own feelings. I'm afraid to go back to him, he still tries to talk to me but he has called me crazy and that I need to go to a mental hospital and that has pushed me far away from him. I feel like I want to be alone just because it's easier on myself, I don't have to worry about him cheating everyday. I realize I haven't had many friends, or relationships in general my entire life. I've always been different. I have noticed how bad my paranoia has been and it scares me. I can't stand when people look at me, I can't make eye contact, I can't hold conversations. I feel most are out to get me and I'm protecting myself by not interacting. I know this isn't the way my life is supposed to be but maybe it's just fate. It's hard to accept that I've been dealing with mental illness for years yet hadn't realized it until I got older. I'm just trying to figure this out. It's exhausting but I feel I'm beyond used to it that it's hard to want to fight it. Please no negative comments, I just need some answers. My therapist isn't the best in my opinion. I can't tell if I'm schizophrenic, bipolar, or something else, it's always been hard for me to learn, I'm uncoordinated, I don't catch on fast. Someone can tell me directions and I wount hear a word they say. I sit in class and just think I need to get through this, it's gotten really bad. I haven't learned since I was in about 7th grade.