Hi,

I know this scenario has been covered plenty of times. My scenario is a little different.

I was a virgin when I met my wife and she had been with 6 guys. We met at the age of 18.

As much as I wish she had waited to have sex I am not really concerned with this although it bothered me quite a bit in our early years.

We have now been married for 16 years.

The last person that she had sex with before me was a "cousin". He is not of blood relation but her uncle married his mom. This incident happened before she knew me. There were drugs and stupid teenagers involved. It was a one night incident however she brought him to completion 3 times in that night so it wasn't like a "we got carried away" thing. While I am a little uncomfortable about this I have still reached a point where I do not have a problem with the fact that she had sex before me. Shortly after we were married her uncle and this woman had divorced and her uncle moved on to marry another woman.

I had met this guy a couple of times and always got a strange look/vibe from him. I didn't like the way he looked at me when he interacted with my wife. It bothered me how eager my wife was to see and socialize with him and act like they were family but I realized that there were going to be times when this would happen.

In 2008 her uncle passed away. Her first reaction was to call this cousin and his brothers and offer them our house to stay in before she consulted me. When she told me I tried to be reasonable and say it was not a problem. The closer it got to him coming to my house the more uncomfortable I became. I asked my wife if he could not come to our house. I realized that he was going to and should be able to be at the funeral but I didn't feel it was appropriate to bring him into our house. We got in a lot of arguments over this. She started justifying them having sex. "We didn't do anything wrong", "we were young and dumb", "we were so high", "it was just sex, it didn't mean anything", " there was no intimacy", "it was before I even knew who you were", "he was younger than me and on worse drugs", "we both had rough childhoods". She constantly told me she was fighting for his justice. While all of these things are true I still did not believe he should be allowed in our home. Is this wrong?

When the time came he had other relatives to stay with but he was still going to come by for a visit. I then asked my wife if I could take our son and go somewhere else while this was happening. She told me know. I shouldn't have a problem with this. So I stayed. When he got there I watched him and my wife exchange a hug. While they were hugging he was looking at me and smiling. He did have his wife and kid with him. While my wife was playing with his daughter on the floor I saw him repeatedly leaning over to get a good look down my wife's shirt. When they hugged good bye same look and same smile. I stayed quite because of the delicacy of the death of my wife's uncle who was a great man.

This all happened in CA. We relocated to GA a few years later. I hit a rough patch with depression and thoughts of her letting this cousin into our house started coming up and bothering me. I started therapy and told my wife about the way this guy looked at me and looked down her shirt and that if the scenario came up again he would not be allowed in my house. She got upset. "It is not fair to treat him poorly", "I would hurt my other family members feelings by excluding and alienating him". Then she reminded me again of all of the reasons it was OK that they had sex and it was no big deal. I then reminded her that he is not a good person as he still does drugs and he also tried to have sex with her sister and another cousin. To me this was unacceptable. She explained how she was guilty for that because she said it was OK for them to have sex. Is this correct thinking? It does not seem right to me.

Here we are 2015 and we just relocated to PA. I am hitting a depression again and these feelings are coming back AGAIN. We are going to couples therapy but I don't know what to expect. Our first session is in a few days. This has all been very rough and different for me as sex is a big deal to me and an important part of our relationship. Am I being unreasonable? I really think that he is not a good person. I have told her that she can have a relationship with him but I can not be involved or know about it. It bothers me that she wants to give him attention and let him know he is part of her family. I don't want him to be part of mine. Please help me understand.