Considering how bad you feel I really think going IP, even in a locked ward, is your best bet. I was only in for 4 days and it helped immensely. if you continue going the way you are you may lose more precious things in your life, like your boyfriend, or even your life itself. Please stay safe and call lifeline, suicide hotline or 000 if you cannot stay safe. You matter to us and I am sure you matter to many people in your life.