Hello for the past 4 months I have been struggling with HOCD very badly which is being terrified I am gay. I don't want to be gay so badly and I know that I am not but I have so much anxiety over it. I have gotten over it several times and felt free but only for a week at the longest.

I wake up every day and my first thoughts are always "I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight. I'm straight right?" I constantly feel like I am about to lose grasp of the awareness I am straight. Like if I do not constantly think about it I will completely fall over to being gay. It is so terrifying to me. I have always been interested in girls since I was young and always got aroused to girls and still do but it seems when I do now for some reason it doesn't convince me and its like I forget right afterwards.

I was positive I was straight for 19 years and never once thought I was gay. I had alot of guy friends that I was never once attracted to but one thing that fights the ocd really badly is i have not had a lot of friends who are girls but this is because I have really bad anxiety in general and often get nervous when talking to people and as dumb as I feel when I say this I get really nervous when I am talking to girls because I feel like I apear dumb and weird if I don't know what to say and I constantly judge myself.

My head feels so confused and lost. I feel like I am forgetting myself and am changing. I feel so bizzare honestly and my head feels so wrong like something is really not ok. My head goes blank very often and I just can't think. Sometimes I am scared and I do not know why. I am constantly stressed out and on edge. I think about killing myself everyday and often hope I get in some sort of serious accident resulting in my death.

All through my day I am in my head thinking, never in the moment, even when I am with people I will talk and stuff and I do other hobbies but even while doing them I am constantly in my head thinking "I am straight, I am straight, I am straight, I am straight right?" Sometimes I am literally terrified and other times I feel so dead inside my head goes blank. I am so tired and alone and I don't have anyone who understands and even doing nothing all day is very hard... I have been trying to get into a pyschatrist for 2 weeks but none my insurance sent has got me in so far and its getting frustrating.

I constantly analyze how I look at things or think about things. For example If I am looking at a guy and I like his clothes or I would wear those clothes I think I am not attracted to him right? and I over think it until its ridiculous and I look at a girl and I have to think I want to be with a girl right? The other day I was watching a music video and this girl was dancing in it, and I thought she was cute but then a horrible thought came in my head "Am I looking at her imagining her as myself? Do I wish I was a girl? this absolutely terrified me and I couldn't think. It totally through me into total confusion for some reason and extreme anxiety.

I have looked up guys to make sure I was not attracted to them and I get so much anxiety and just over think it, " Thats not attractive right, thats not attractive right?" When I see gay things I can tell I don't like it, and i would never watch gay porn or do anything gay but sometimes I am so lost and confused I can't even think. There are many times were I tell myself confidently that "Yes, obviously I am straight I have always been straight" but I never stay sure of it, I tell myself my sexuality doesn't just change but its like my head will forget how I used to think and sometimes something will remind me and I will have a moment of clarity were I am ok but it always fades back into confusion.

The only time I have felt free of the anxiety was the several times I have convinced myself without a doubt I was straight and could imagine myself with a girl. It scares me to think I could never have a connection with a person and will continue to be alone forever, and it is also terrifying to think I will turn gay, often I get extreme anxiety about checking to make sure i don't get aroused to guys and its like i really don't want to look at guys but I get so much anxiety and it tells me to make sure i dont get aroused and I dont want to so bad but my head just doesn't stop...

I want to die, I don't enjoy anything anymore and I feel absolutely insane. I feel stupid and like I am a horrible human being. I feel less than a person and like no one could look at me as an equal but as something inferior. I have always really wanted a girlfriend because I have been somewhat depressed since I was about 15. When I was 18 it got really bad and thats when I started to feel like i was less than a person. Like I don't have a personality. I dreamt of meeting a girl who saw something in me and had the patience to get to know me because I worry I am in no way worth how long it would take for me to get comfortable with a girl and thats really scary.. I just wanted someone to hold me and actually care about me and have a connection with someone but this ocd has taking that dream away. I don't know what I want, I never want to be with a guy and I am positive when I say that but afterwards i get anxiety and doubts and i just over think it so much and it wont leave my head well I mean I want a girlfriend but there are always these doubts and anxieties that drive me crazy

Someone please help me