Thank you. I find your posts very helpful, and I appreciate it. I've talked about my issues on other forums, with non autistic people, and they were all highly rude. Some were quite blunt (user "lenzi" on TAM, for example) and maybe members said stuff I didn't want to hear and it was the cold reality of it all, but I hardly see how they were able to really understand what the grief felt like for me, having never walked a mile in my shoes so to speak.

I feel clinically depressed now. Socializing was always very hard for me and it took a lot of courage to be able to 'freely' tell my aides things that to others is quite personal. Now having been betrayed and repeatedly let down by the very people I had relied on for years, it truly hurts and I feel I'll never be able to trust anyone again. It now feels like I should not have been so open towards them, but then was that not their job? To listen to me?

I always knew that (in spite of their nice nature) there was nothing else there in it for us. It was just a job to them. Sad, yet true. People that are employed to be caregivers do not want personal relationships with their clients during nor after their time with them contractually ends, and when they sense it may be heading down that route where you are getting cosy, well, the heart of a person has to be broken to get it across that it is a career and nothing more. They could have at least spoken to me first. The trouble is, the people in charge were unfortunately clueless, so that didn't help. And now they just use the court matters as one big "scapegoat" since the law has a ball and chain around my freedom. And since that is the reality of things, they probably feel relieved. They know that if I go see the ladies, they're just a phone-call away from having me imprisoned again.

In fact, I have to go to a social worker session tomorrow for my last hearing on Thursday. Although I want to rant and rave about what they did, that ain't always a wise move. They usually want you to feel remorseful over the 'crimes' you committed (yes, saying sorry to someone is a crime, apparently). It's stupid. However, your fate in the courtroom depends on what rubbish the person types up for the procurator fiscal to read out in front of the judge. So obviously a good report could bring forth a good result. If they think you are still a danger to the person or individuals named in the charges, then you can expect to be locked up again, assuming you have been in jail before. Only sentenced prisoners don't get it as easy as remanded ones. When you are on remand, you can get daily visits apart from on Sundays and if you are a sentenced inmate, I'm sure it's only like 3 visits per month or something you are entitled to. They threatened to stop my visits before because I would raise my voice when my mother came to see me.