Also I will add in reply to your original question, because I have had the same difficulty coming to terms with this part. I went to AA in 2012 after some things were getting out of hand. I always knew in the back of my mind that I'd be going to AA some day. I probably began to realise this in college where drinking to the point of injury (to my own body) became a pretty regular occurrence. Still, the times this happened were still spread out far enough, I didn't feel I was dependent on alcohol. Plus, isn't it just the norm to drink a ton in college? Well possibly but that set me up for continuing to drink like a fish once I was out. Now I am in my thirties. I relapsed last year after losing my job and someone I loved very much (my ex t). I had been sober a year and a half, but did not really accept that I was an alcoholic. I also had stopped going to AA meetings because of my job and not wanting to show up at the same place clients were at and have it affect my job. I know it is alcoholics *anonymous* but it was a small town and I just saw it causing problems for me. I have never really trusted others, and that is also why I never completed all the steps with AA. I only made it to step 4 because I didn't trust my sponsor. I lost trust in her the night she made fun of me that I wasn't doing the steps fast enough. We were leaving an AA meeting and you have to walk up the stairs to get out to the parking lot. She started counting the steps as we walked up them like I was a small child. See, she said, one, two, three, four. I felt about this tall (very small). So I lost my faith and trust in her as a sponsor and began to distance myself. It also affected my relationship with AA for some reason. What I should have done is found another sponsor. However, I don't think I would have trusted them either. I don't know if I will ever trust anyone ever again, and especially not with my deepest wounds. I have shared a little bit here on pc, and a little with my therapist. The most promising person for sharing everything with eventually is my current therapist. But that will take time. I know I will need to eventually find a new sponsor though if I want to stay sober.
As for knowing if I'm an alcoholic, I have an easier time with saying I'm an addict, since it isn't just alcohol. I obsess over things and I need it. I love alcohol and would have it all the time if I could- breakfast lunch dinner and dessert. There are drinks for very occasion, and everyday I can find something to celebrate. Life is a big party all the time. Life is good. Until is comes crashing down. And I know alcohol has caused me enough pain hurt and trouble in my life that i need to quit drinking. I don't want to but history is only going to keep repeating itself in my life unless I do something about it and stop drinking. I've almost lost my life and I think alcohol played a big part in this. I'm not a drinker to the point of shaking and going through withdrawal symptoms if I don't have it, however I suppose I am prone to addiction, so who knows maybe I could be one day. I don't want to ever find out. Best I stop now.