Hi confusion. Sorry you are going through a difficult time in life and suffering. You are not alone. If rehab is not an option due to financial means, is there an NA or AA meeting you can get to? You are aware of wanting to change, or at least it sounds like you are open to it. This is a good place to be in to start. Some people are not even aware of all the damage or abuse they are inflicting upon themselves or others, or just don't care how their addictions or alcoholism are effecting themselves or others. So you are off to a great start! Because of your awareness and desire to change, you may be able to get what you need from NA/AA. If the physical dependence is too much to stop on your own, you may need to think about rehab. Either way, you will gain something from this experience and it will be a good thing. I know it is hard to see now, but it won't be like this forever and your situation will eventually get better. Keep pushing through the hard time and you will eventually break through. It is always darkest just before dawn breaks, and think of the phoenix that rose from ashes. You will make it, you will get through Glad you are reaching out to others.