I am so sorry you are going through this. My experience has been different but I hear you. I was diagnosed at 15 and thought it was cool at the time. I didn't believe it mind you, and I didn't understand it's severity, but at the time I liked the attention. Between 18 and 20, I started to get better. I was stable for about 8 years. I definetly had episodes; I just never attributed them to bipolar. I thought that I had been healed. Then, I had a major psychotic break and I fell apart. When I am in the middle of an episode now, bipolar feels like a life sentence. When I am well I am almost always immediately ready to come of my meds because I certainly do not have bipolar disorder. It can be very hard to accept!