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<font color="green">I am a female who was abused by men and by my mother and my godmother. My mother abused me physically, mentally and emotionally, but my godmother helped my godfather sexually abuse me. She went further than just aiding his efforts but I find that harder to talk about and deal with than all the abuse by men. She convinced me that if I ever told anyone I would be despised, hated and abandoned. I did the only thing a small child can do – I repressed even the memories of the abuse.
I remember the long painful pauses the choking out of a word or two and terrible nausea as I told my therapist. This is still hard, I was living with my godparent because my mother had a breakdown and was hospitalized. They were supposed to keep me safe. Instead, I kept them safe cos I couldn’t tell anyone until more than 40 years later.
It does get easier, slowly and painfully but it does get there. Keep on trying and working, just tell it as it happened. I.e. she touched me there; she kissed me like… and trust that your therapist will be there to help you. She/he is not likely to coach you in talking about it as that is looked at as ‘planting false memories,’ and considered unethical. I did warn my therapist I felt like I was going to barf and she offered me a trashcan and gave me permission to barf if I needed to barf. Somehow, that was helpful for me.
The first time you tell is the hardest, but you have lived through the hardest part of all – the abuse itself. You are a survivor and you can make it through this too.
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dalila
Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.
-Erma Bombeck
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