I think somewhere, on some level, deep deep inside of me, I've never allowed myself the right to exist. Thinking about that this morning brings up feelings of saddness and anger at the lost yrs.

My thinking of death has never bothered me because part of me has never felt here anyway. I was lying this morning thinking about my children and never had thoughts of them being on this earth alone without me one day, because Ive never allowed myself to be part of that life where I realy exist, so part of me already sees my children as existing without me.

I think suicide attempts have been a way of trying to make the outside match the inside. I live on a kind of two tier existence. My body is here, but somehow my soul died a long time ago.

Being with T is the only time I've begun to feel as if I exist, when T takes a break I feel as if my soul is being ripped out once again, except of course its not and I have some memorys of how I feel when in session now to keep with me and know I exist inside and outside of T because I can feel that part I feel in session.

Its hard to hold onto enought of it, and for any lenght of time, but its true I do exist becasue here I am and T is where she is unyet I still think and breath.

Its amazing how just sitting with someone, talking and talking and listning and listning brings you back to life, lets you see and know who you are.

ITs amazing how nesscary that is, to verbalise your thoughts and feelings to make yourself 3D.

It also feels scary to begin to realise you do exist because with that comes the reality that one day you will cease to exist permenantly, and i;ve spent so many yrs not exist that I feel I have so much lost time to catch up on..but today is all that really counts so today I will live my life as fully as possible, be part of my own life.

Does anyone else feel this way??