She actually told me that she gets it about my attention need/need to replay things before, and that she wasn't judging me for the crisis line thing and that as we work through more stuff, that need would hopefully not feel as big. And I believed that. It just came up today because I was telling her about some sui thoughts I was having and she mentioned that I could try calling that helpline (I hadn't mentioned the name of it to her before) because the counsellors there are very good, but she also works there once a week and picks up occasional shifts at other times, and I should still call/chat if I want/need to, but if I get her on the phone or on chat then we would have to disconnect and I could call back to talk to someone else and she wouldn't answer the line, but that she thinks it would be really good for me to call as an additional source of support.

I hadn't mentioned it to her that I'd called that specific helpline before, but when she said it to me today I told her that I'd called there before and it makes me really uncomfortable now to know she works there and I don't want to call anymore, and she said she was sorry and she really didn't want to upset me or make me feel uncomfortable, and she thinks the line would be a good support for me between sessions and with sui thoughts as well, but she just thought she should let me know that she works there in the very unlikely event that I got her on the phone. I didn't tell her this was the line I used for my attention seeking stuff, and I didn't mention how often I'd used the line before; mostly I was just really freaked out that I had called so many times (often about real things) and that every time I might have gotten my therapist on the other line, or that maybe I even did get her on the (chat) line at some point and didn't know it.

And part of me is also worried that someday if I start feeling very attached to her (which I don't right now, but if I did in the future), I might call/chat there just to talk to her/feel close to her...I don't feel any desire to do that right now, and T will probably tell me not to worry about it (she hates when I worry about hypothetical things that might come up in our relationship sometime in the future), but I worry that I might...and part of me is also like, I can probably gain a whole lot of information about how this helpline works from my T...so I feel like I am not in such a good place. Also, I have used the helpline sometimes to brainstorm/practice things I needed to say to T in our next session...