she did it again. my god damned mother let me down again today of all days. the anniversary of her father, my grandads death, we were going to the rememberance gardens to lay a rose and a poem i wrote and sit for a while and remember him.
dog in vet - be there all day - cant come over. IF DOG IN VET, WHY NOT COME OVER JUST FOR AN HOUR LIKE ORIGINALLY PLANNED?

I AM REJECTED AND ABANDONED BECAUSE OF HER BLOODY DOG. TRIGGER. I AM SO ANXIOUS AND ANGRY AND HURT. i just give up quietly and go into numbness.

42 years old and still letting the ***** get to me. she knows how i feel, she knows about the abuse, she wants to sort things out - then puts her dog before me again. oh how sweet life is. SHE ACTUALLY SAID 'SAY HELLO TO HIM FOR ME'. no tears left to cry heart in middle earth somewhere, brain on fire husband and kids at birmingham train station. ON MY OWN.

SO HOW THE HELL DO I GO NOW. pace the bloody floor until he gets home, pluck up courage to drive myself to the place where my grandad was left all those years ago through a busy city feeling like crap. oh my god i really just GIVE THE %#@&#! UP.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHAT IS THIS LIFE FOR? JUST TO GET HURT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ??????