hey. i feel the same a lot of the time.
talked to my t today... and realised... that i spent quite a lot of my childhood trying to make other people happy.
mostly that involved me dissociating from / denying / averting my awareness from my needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires. needed to avert my attention from it so i could do what i needed to do to obtain some semblance of care.

and so...
now i feel like i don't really have a self.
now i feel like i don't really have a core.
feel numbness or pain, numbness or pain.
don't know how i feel, what i think, what i need, what i desire most of the time
'cause i've dissociated from it for so long...
feel dead.

but t is different.
therapy is about me (for the first time in my life)
i can express fairly much anything...
anything...
and he accepts it.
he accepts it.
its helping me figure out who i am...
slowly...
and it hurts too...
hang in there.