Hi, I'm a 15 y/o boy from Bangladesh. I suffer from OCD, anxiety and bipolar disorder.
Where to begin? I live with my mom. My father lives in a different city for the sake of his job, so the family consists of me and my mother.
My relationship with her is bittersweet. She scolds me for my every mistake, demands that I always study and laughs at me at every chance. Outside of that, she's a nice mother; who makes sure I'm well-fed and healthy. She tries to cheer me up if I'm sad and calls me with pet names often.
Recently, we got into an arguement about my grades. She threatened to kick me outta 'her' house if I don't get A+ in all the subjects in the coming exam. (I usually get A+ in all but Mathematics.) I asked her why can't she love me as a person instead of anything else. She replied "A mother gives birth to a child so he can make her proud and earn her fame. If a child can't do that, he's an worthless black sheep". I quit the arguement; shocked.
It's been bothering me since. I'm constantly feeling like she never loved me. Even if she did, she never loved me self-lessly. She is using me to earn fame and such. I've began to belive that every parent is like her. They love their children, but also expect something great in return; without caring about the children's abilities. They raise their children so they would be famous parents (if their child do something great) or they would have someone to look after them when they grow old.
I may be not right, but my darker side wouldn't listen. It belives as stated above.
Here's the problem. If I belive the above statements, my world feels shattered and empty. I feel heartbroken, depressed, teary and suicidal. So I've tried to convince myself that my parents love me self-lessly; their expectations about me is only a 'side-quest'. They love me for what I am. But my damaged mind would listen and fight with me.
I am going through sever mental breakdown, anxiety, depression, headache and emptiness for days. Help me, please!
Additional informations:
After digging through my memories, I've remembered some informations related to this events. Last year, before the annual exam of our schol, we got into a similar arguement. That time, she saud that if I don't get good grades, people will laugh at her for being a 'failed mother' and make fun of her. That arguement ended in a fight - she grounded me and threatend me to set me on fire if I didn't apolize.
As far as I remember, most of my family-issues were about my grades. Once, she beat me because I got 79/100 in a class test and it was 'harmful for her image as a parent'.
Other times, when she's mad, she mutters I'm useless to her because I'm a bad student and a black sheep.
I can't agree with that. I've never done anything bad other than getting bad grades. I don't hangout with people, don't fight, don't do drugs, don't bully, don't spend money, do remain calm and peaceful and such.
My father sometimes act like that too, but a lot less. Actually, I'm more attached to him than her.
Given all that, I'm feeling like she's using me; instead of loving me as a child. But when I see her affectionate and lovely behaviour, I can't belive the above stated feeling. This throws my mind into a paradox. I get headache, mixed emotions and extreme rage. I have OCD, so it will keep bugging me 'till I solve this problem. My mother seems like a stranger now.
Thanks for reading this. If you can help me, I'll be ever grateful.