Honestly, I just give up, I don't care anymore.

I'm 20, almost 21, currently failing my 4th college course, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I've been job hunting for 4 years and I've had 3 interviews, all of which I've been rejected from. My family keep reminding me that my older cousins had moved out, were going to uni and had jobs at my age. My mum and stepdad say I'm a waste of space and that I'm useless and pathetic. My dad and his girlfriend won't listen to me. I've lost all motivation in life, I don't care about anything anymore.

I'm so tired all the time and I just want to sleep. I spend most of my free time in my bed, away from reality. I've never had a relationship, I'm not pretty or cute and guys have never been drawn to me. My family keep asking why I don't have a boyfriend, and are now convinced I'm a late bloomer or gay. To be honest though, I think I'm asexual as I'm not interested in relationships.

I don't have a social life, as I don't have many friends, and I never get invited out anywhere. On the rare occasion that I do get invited out, I feel panicky knowing I have to socialise with other people and I start to dread going out. It builds to the point where it'll be the day I'm supposed to go out, and I'll feel so nervous and anxious about it that I'll either cancel and stay home, hating myself for being so alone, or I'll force myself to go and feel really nervous and look forward to going home.

Being around people makes me nervous and I prefer being by myself, although I do feel lonely and desolate on the weekends when I see everyone on Facebook out having a great time with their friends.

Like I said above, I have friends, but I'm always the one forgotten about. I can talk to them and stuff but there will always be someone they prefer to me. spend my weekends on the internet or sleeping. I go to college 3 days a week, and honestly, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

I'm constantly tired and from the moment I wake up, I'm unhappy, right until I fall asleep again. I've hated myself for as long as I can remember, even as a child I just hated life. I started really hating myself when I was 16 and thought about suicide constantly. I went to the doctor when I was 17 but my mum found out and refused to let me take the medication he'd given me.
She says I'm not depressed and that I'm being an attention seeker. There's days on end where I just think about how better life for everyone would be if I wasn't here, and how I'm so thankful that every day is one less day for me to live. There's other days where I just feel completely empty and numb.

Everyone keeps telling me 'it'll be okay', 'you'll get through it', 'things will get better', but I know things won't, I've been waiting for years for things to improve, and if anything, they're just getting worse.

Every day I want to cry waking up and if it wasn't for me getting funds from my college, and my mum's insistence that I continue with the course, I would drop out. I feel like I'm wasting my time, no matter how hard I study, I'm failing all my classes. I've only passed one course and that was Media, when I was 17. Every time I see other family members, I can see the disappointment when they find out I still don't have a job and that I'm doing another course.

I just want to die, I don't want to exist anymore. My life is just a big black hole and I can't see it getting any better. I'm a coward though, and I'm scared of death. I'm scared to take my own life because I'm a wimp and can't handle pain and the thought of death, even though I long for it, honestly terrifies me.

I can't imagine life without my dog, who's my best friend, and the thought of never seeing him again breaks my heart. At the same time, my grandparents would be heartbroken if I took my own life and they still haven't recovered from my uncle's suicide in 1999. I know that they would be devastated to lose another family member to it. I don't know if I can do such a cruel thing to them.

I'm just so lost and confused. I hate myself and everything in life, and I just want to die, but at the same time, death scares me. I don't know what to do.

I joined this site as I needed somewhere to vent my feelings without being judged and I just wanted to say thank you so much if you've read all of this. Sorry if it's very confusing, but I just needed to let my feelings out, as I honestly feel like I'm about to snap inside.