I totally hear your desire. It is a grind. Yet, the words of David Byrne come to my mind when I think about how much it sucks. "This ain't no party. This ain't no disco. This ain't no fooling around." We face some real *****. We have to give it up to ourselves a bit for making it through as much as we do.

Personally, I hate taking meds morning, noon, and night. Going to the doctors. Dealing with stigma. Etc. But I have hauled myself through this for 30 years. You are right, though, when you suggest that we "can't go back." We are who we are.

I hope you are able to find some peace knowing you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself.