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Steiner of Thule
We are sorry you are feeling so alone and we validate how you feel. You said no one understands what it is like to be so alone but I get it; all within us understands. bundyzkat said it so clearly what could not have been said any better. And feeling so alone can also be there even when you are not really alone.
For us...aloneness is something within that no one else may feel or understand but it is there silently screaming within you. It engulfs and stares at you even when you try so hard to push it away, filling you and tearing at what is left--of all that you have ever known, all that you never knew and all that you feel; silently yet ever so present within ones self. For some, like us, it started from the beginning, for others it may have come through what they have walked through or continue to walk through.
For us...it is within the shattered pieces that cut through our very being, encircling but yet cannot be reached, and even if we did we would have no idea where those pieces truly belong, for it seems they never belonged anywhere. Those pieces that though we have tried to gather them, all the shards and tiny slivers, just never can be whole as they should have once been. And possibly within those tiniest of pieces lies what we are missing to ever feel we are one or could possibly belong anywhere at all; and not feel so alone.
For us...it is in the tears that fall when no one is around, in the silence of the night, within the darkness that surrounds, that aloneness then makes its presence known and it feels so devastating; sometimes for the first time, sometimes all over again. Those same tears we once cried silently when no one cared or was there; the tears that may have spoken once, once when we did not know they even had words at all; afraid yet still trying to speak again.
For us...those tears that may have spoken once, we had to pull away for safety deep within; as quickly as they came they were also gone, thus stopping any possible knowing what they might have said, if they would have spoken any words at all. Just hidden tears stopped before they had a real chance to even start, for crying would have meant something far worse; aloneness took over to keep safety as close as we could.
For us...we cannot put words to it, words that you never knew even existed, words that though now silently cry out when no one is there, somehow do not fit or will not fit, as the words possibly there we really have no understanding of, for they never had a chance to make sense from the beginning; we could not risk allowing them. And though we try and try, somewhere it is lost, or at least we cannot seem to find a way to explain the aloneness born within those tears, and possible words that existed too.
For us...words, feelings, meaning...it was all just pushed away as fast as it came, but the aloneness made always lived on in a silence and is still silently there. Words---words that we so wish would exist, words that would possibly make something within make sense. Words that could possibly allow anyone close even to not feel so alone. Just a wish we all still hold...maybe that is hope..maybe.
For us...maybe it is within that aloneness itself; the aloneness that isolated us, held us silent for so long, broke our will, and marked us that we feel so alone, an aloneness we cannot find a way to break lose from because it once saved us and somehow kept us going.....all that it ever knew is scared to open itself, for fear of isolation once again and punishment; punishment only known to us and those the punishment silenced itself.
For us...even though we are not alone now, within many still are. And somewhere that feeling of being alone still lives on and though deep and some sense of safety still grips us within that, it also terrifies us all and we are too afraid to let go and feel anything else; for even though we are not alone now, we know what aloneness was and still is. So we hold onto the safety we created to make it through being alone...life.
For us...a safety, because the safety of that is far better than the unknownness of what letting go of the safety may mean...death. We are so afraid of death, the ultimate aloneness we know is real...a chance we are not willing and are too terrified to face or even take. There is great fear of not being understood thus we stay silent and are so alone within that not understanding. We are alone, but we are safe here.
We do understand feeling so alone. And while it may not be the same, just know you are not alone. We too often have to take it one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time. We can hear it tick away, we feel the fear beating within, and we feel alone. And though we may be choosing to hold onto what we have always known, it is safe here, but it still carries an aloneness that hurts.
We so wish someone could understand, but we know they cannot. The choice was made by all we knew and it worked or we would not be here now. Aloneness still holds the keys of what she locked away to keep us all safe.
You are not alone....we walk in and with aloneness each day. And yes, it hurts...we do understand.
Echoes within dps
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